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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901265">Twice as much</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianese/pseuds/lesbianese'>lesbianese</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Amar a Muerte (TV), Juliantina - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Sweethearts, Drama &amp; Romance, Family Drama, First Love, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Juliantina, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, Secret Relationship, Self-Discovery, Teen Angst, Trans Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:02:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>30,089</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianese/pseuds/lesbianese</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>© No adaptations/reproduction allowed</strong> •••</p><p>The Valdes and Carvajal families are almost one. Macario and Leon are old friends - best friends since ever. And so are their respective daughters: Juliana and Valentina. They grew up together. Same neighborhood, same school, same circle of friends. They’re inseparable. They were. Until one day, when everything suddenly changes. In order to keep Juliana safe, Valentina will sacrifice herself in an arranged marriage. But will Juliana be able to accept this and live without the love of her life?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Valentina Carvajal &amp; Juliana Valdés, Valentina Carvajal/Juliana Valdés</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>197</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. C1. Us against the world</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This idea wouldn't let me rest. I know I have two other fics to finish, but it's what people say: some stories write itself! So, I'll put 'Addicts' <em>temporarily on hold</em>. That way I can finish 'Yes Ma'am' while also posting 'Twice as Much'. Hope you enjoy this new adventure we're just about to begin!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since very young I knew I was different. Unlike the other girls of my age I didn’t want to play with dolls, I wanted to play soccer with the boys of my neighborhood on the street in front of my house. Of course they would never let me play, because I’m a girl. And though I was the fastest of all, a magician like Marta and Messi, I was always excluded from the games. I had to content myself with plastic kitchen sets, baby rag dolls, Barbie - the housewife. I know, it sucks.</p><p>But as every bad thing has its silver lining, if I was banned from soccer matches in front of my house, I was more than welcomed at the house across the street. Valentina and I are best friends since I can remember. Or since the day she told me that I shouldn't feel upset if the boys didn't let me play with them, because in her eyes, it was a blessing.</p><p>“Juls, you’re mine, and mine only!”</p><p>That’s when I didn’t want to ‘be shared’ with anyone else. I was hers, exclusively hers.</p><p>We were both seven when she claimed me, and I fell in love. Even though I didn’t know what that supposed to mean exactly, or the consequences of it, I fell in love. </p><p>It was in an ordinary winter afternoon, after a marathon of movies, some innocent cuddling and a session of kisses on the cheeks, that I realized my life would never be the same without her. With her head rested on my chest in the darkness of her room, breathing evenly while in the sweetest of dreams, I simply knew that I wanted to be her pillow for the rest of our lives. I wanted to protect her. To cherish her. To love her.</p><p>Right before dinner time, I crossed the street back to my house to find my family already at the table. Mom and dad always insisted that all of our meals should be together. Just one of the thousands traditions of the Valdes family. <em>Traditions</em>, a word that gives me chills. I hate it, in every possible way. I sorta am the black sheep of the family, starting by the fact that I was born a girl. I have two older siblings, both men. Alejandro, who’s ten years older than me, and Alonso, only two years apart.</p><p><br/>Destiny not only made the Valdes boys dynasty to be interrupted when it gave me two X chromosomes, but also, my grandpa had the brilliant idea of not naming me accordingly to the 'A tradition'. The elder man of our family, has the power to name the newborns. And as so easily noticeable, Juliana doesn’t start with the letter A, unlike my two brothers’ names. Dad didn’t like it, at all. But mom found a way of convincing him to accept grandpa’s decision. Why is that even a matter of discussion? I’ve got no freaking idea.</p><p>It’s not until mom calls me for the third time, as she said, that I realized they’re all staring at me. My mind was far way, not too far, just seven meters across the street. They were talking about marriage. Another ridiculous Valdes tradition. It’s my oldest brother’s turn, he’d propose to Eva  – Valentina’s older sister. They were just about to complete the first year of college, and the Carvajals in accord to my parents were already planning their lives after that.</p><p>Leon Carvajal and Macario Valdes have also been friends since ever, growing up together here in Cave City, frequenting same school and college. Their parents were friends too, and like a big community of hippies, everything is shared: birthdays, barbecues, vacations, and - especially - holidays. And that’s why they say that the Carvajal Valdes are like one big family.</p><p>The thing is, when we insist on repeating something too much, often that idea becomes reality. Call it law of attraction or pure insanity, but my father and Val’s father accorded to marry their elder children, and somehow my mother and aunt Lucia went along with this madness.</p><p>When mom told me to help her wash the dishes after dinner and I tried to refuse it because I wanted to watch the basketball game just like my brothers, my father sent me that reproachful look as if telling me to shut up and keep the tradition. Yeah, another one! The women in our family have to serve the men, end of story. It was like that with my aunts, it was like that with my mom when she married Macario, and it will be like that with me. <em>Traditions.</em></p><p>“You can have ice cream when we’re done!”</p><p>Mom always did her best to cheer me up, it’s more than clear to her that this subservient life doesn’t suit me. Never did. I don’t fit.</p><p>We washed the dishes in silence, because I was focus on my own tradition of always checking out the small kitchen window above the sink. The view is the Carvajals front yard, but my interest is up toward Val’s room. Often, I catch myself wondering what she’s doing, and by that time, she’s probably just finishing to brush her long brown-ish hair. I adore the way her hair falls over her shoulder, and how the freckles on her face combine perfectly with it.</p><p>“Eva and Alejandro will have beautiful babies, don’t you think?”</p><p>Mom tries to break the silence. I simply don’t get the fact why she was asking me that. I was seven by then; my brain only had space for school, video-games that I could only play when my father wasn’t home, and Valentina.</p><p>“Why are they even getting married?”</p><p>My question sounded perfectly obvious to me, but taking into account the horrified way she looked at me, I was saying some kind of absurd.  The answer she gave me, I’ll never forget.</p><p>“Because they’re best friends, and we should marry the person who we can trust”.                         </p><p>Best friends, and trust. Two things Valentina and I have in this short ‘requirement’ for a happily ever after.</p><p>“I will marry Valentina!”</p><p>I stated so happily and so genuinely that mom looked at me for a few seconds before releasing a loud laughter. She knelt down, cupped my cheeks, and kissed my forehead.</p><p>“You cannot marry Valenina, Juli. You two can be best friends forever, but in a friendly way only”. What a <em>friendly way only</em> meant, I would only understand a couple years later. “She might marry your brother Alonso, though. But that’s a talk for a few years ahead. Now go shower and get ready for bed”.</p><p>The idea of Valentina and Alonso getting married felt so odd, and so … nasty! Of course they were friends, Alonso would join us to play in the pool once in a while, but they’re not best friends. She’s <em>my </em>best friends, and I’m hers. She claimed me, remember? You cannot simply ‘return’ a person you claimed like a Christmas gift you didn’t like.</p><p>Something about that talk with mom changed me. The thought of me marrying Valentina persisted through the years.</p><p>I wanted to marry her when we were nine and she lost her front teeth and her mouth looked like a frog’s mouth. A cute frog’s mouth.</p><p>I wanted to marry her at my tenth bday, when she dressed as Minnie Mouse for my costume party.</p><p>I wanted to marry her when we both were eleven and my period came before hers – and she got mad at me for that.</p><p>I wanted to marry her when we were twelve and we finally kissed after she taught me how to dance <em>música Latina. </em></p><p>I wanted to marry Valentina when were thirteen and she let me touch her bare boobs and I let her touch mine.</p><p>I wanted to marry her at my fifteenth birthday, when she gave herself to me as a gift and we discovered what a clit is and its function.</p><p>I wanted to marry her when we were sixteen and my father and Leon started talking about Valentina and Alonso together - they should've known better that I’m the only one that can make her happy. But they don’t know, no one does.</p><p>I want to marry her now, that we’re about to turn eighteen and just about to graduate high school. Now, that I know that having a lesbian in the family is not part of the tradition. Now, that our parents started planning our futures without our opinions or consent. Now, that Alonso is twenty, available to date, and my father is freaking out to find him a woman to marry and start a family to keep the tradition, <em>the fucking tradition.</em>     </p><p>It’s so hard to hide what I feel for her.</p><p>We’re always together, I don’t know how no one ever noticed the way I look at her and the smiles she directs at me. But she’s great at hiding, always been. Her favorite childhood game, besides us playing mom and mommy with her dolls, was hide and seek. She hides like no one, literally. And I’m always seeking. I seek her lips when we are alone, but she tenses just for the thought of being caught. I seek a life for us without worries and fear, but she always laughs when I tell her we should flee from this place and from our families traditions. I don’t know if it’s fear what she feels, or if she thinks I’m not being utterly serious about running away from here, but we never get to talk about it more seriously. Valentina always find a way to change the subject whenever I mention the word <em>run</em>. She’s not a runner, she’s a hider.</p><p>“We are not lesbians Juls, we are just in love. And that’s enough!”        </p><p>That’s her way of telling me that we should stay in the closet, cause it’s comfortable and safe.</p><p>I never thought about the idea of being gay. All I am sure of is that I love Valentina more than anyone else, and sometimes, more than myself included.</p><p>Valentina obviously made new friends as we grew, she’s popular. Beautiful, cheerleader, comes from a traditional and wealthy family. She’s always surrounded by a bunch of girls, talking about polish nails, makeup, hair style, fashion, and <em>boys</em>. Yuck! Why should I care if a dude has its mustache finally growing up, or getting a thicker voice or more muscles, if none of it will change the fact that I’m in love with my best friend? So, it’s more than obvious that I don’t hang out with them, right? Right!</p><p>I don’t fit anywhere. Or in any group. Well, I have Sergio. He became my friend because one day I was on my way to the library to return a book and I accidentally saw him kissing a basketball player. Yeah, it was shocking! And as being gay in Cave City is not an option, he begged me on his knees to keep my mouth shut. I swore I’d never say anything, and then, he interpreted it as an invitation to follow me everywhere around the school. As rumors spread easily, some of the mean kids started a gossip that Sergio and I were dating. We let them. It helped Sergio and helped me to keep away any suspicions about my love for Valentina.</p><p>The funny part of all this story is that it isn’t too hard to figure out Sergio’s homosexuality, especially because of the way he wiggles his hips and butt while walking, the way his wrists are always loose, and his thin talking. I wonder if people can tell that I like girls by my way of being… wait! Girls not, I like Valentina. I am Valentinasexual. </p><p>Anyway. Sergio graduated last year and moved to the capital -  Monterey - for his college years. We stay in touch now and then. The emails and texts I receive from him are mostly pictures of his new life, and by what I can tell, he is much happier there – which makes me totally glad for him and a bit envious, I confess. I wish I could have that much of freedom and the autonomy to choose what I want. Or <em>who</em> I want.</p><p>Now that he’s gone, I’m alone again. That is, when Valentina is with her other fancy friends. She told me I should try to be more sociable, and though I tried it for her, not even the herd of nerds wanted me near them.</p><p>Not to brag myself or anything, but I have a pretty smart brain. I never had any problem in school, not about my grades at least. Mrs. Navarro, my chemistry teacher and adviser, once told me I can be anything I want, simple like that. Not too simple. I’ve always flirted with the idea of studying medicine, but my mother told me to pick any another profession as she knows my father wouldn’t agree with my plans. After all, a doctor, a woman doctor, would never have time to comply with her housewife obligations, would she? So I don’t know what I’ll apply for, and it makes me very anxious, especially by the fact that school will be over in six months and scholarship application forms have very short deadlines. It’s me against time, against my insecurities, against my family traditions, and somehow, against Valentina as well.           </p><p>Only if she would listen to me, we could restart a new life away from here and I could be a doctor and she a model as she dreams to be. It would be us against the world! Only if I didn’t break the family tradition to come to this world as a girl, I could marry her without trouble. Only if…</p><p>I know it’s only a matter of time until Leon and Lucia start receiving candidates at their house disputing their youngest daughter’s hand. If not with my brother, they’ll surely find another man for her. Alonso is only ahead of the others cause he’s a Valdes, because right now, he’s a good-for-nothing. My brother is in clear disadvantage when it comes to financial stability and a bright future. Differently of me, Alonso and cleverness are never in the same sentence. It’s not like he’s dumb, he is just lazy and always makes really poor decisions in life.</p><p>Alonso is that kind of guy that is always in parties, and rarely inside a classroom. He’s also in the basketball team, but he hardly ever plays. Once in a blue moon, he shows up for practice. As punishment for indiscipline, the coach makes him stay in the bench for Lucho – another complete idiot that can’t even pass the ball at a five inches’ distance. And though he thinks he’s some kind of Michael Jordan or LeBron James, Lucho’s nickname in school is soap-man, because his slippery hands can never hold the ball firmly. That’s <em>the</em> ‘player’ Alonso eats bench for! Do I need to say anything else? </p><p>Alonso and I will graduate together, cause he repeated two years of high school. Why? Low attendance. If my father punished him? Only two months without video-games. If it was me in his shoes instead and doing that? Surely I’d never see the sunlight ever again. That’s just one between the thousands privileges of having a penis in this family.</p><p>No matter how many candidates may appear to impress Leon. I know none of them, much less my brother, are capable of making Valentina happy as I am. No matter the profession, the status, the beauty they might have. I am the one and only for her. I know I am bit weird, too introspective sometimes, my boobs are too small in comparison to my butt – which forms a strange figure, and mainly, I don’t have a penis. But what’s a member in between the legs compared to a brain like mine? Compared to my heart? I can give Valentina the world, even if that means I’ll have to work my entire life or rob a bank. I don’t care. I’d do anything for her. For us.</p><p>I'm completely aware that all I have to offer isn’t enough to our parents, but if it is enough for her, then I can be happy.</p><p>Every day feels like a countdown, a torturous countdown until the day I’ll lose her. As much I don’t want to be pessimist or to declare myself as defeated, there’s always a heavy cloud above my head reminding me that I’ll eventually lose her. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.</p><p>Valentina looks at me and smiles, I just then realize she has been staring. After school, we came straight to her house and locked ourselves in her room with the excuse that we have an anatomy project to develop. Bullshit. Val has been reading that stupid gossip magazine whilst I try to come up with an escape plan for us.             </p><p>“Are you ok mi amor? You seem distant today” Valentina has this annoyingly accurate capacity to read my emotions, even when she’s not trying to. </p><p>She started calling me as <em>su amor</em> since we made love for the first time. It’s a petname only used in our privacies, which makes me even softer and dumber for her when I hear it.</p><p>“I wish we could stay in this room forever”. I reply.</p><p>Defiantly, she arches her left eyebrow.</p><p>“You wouldn’t be able to live without a library for too long. I’m sure you’d get bored!” See? That’s what I meant about her deviating the course of the talk, over and over. She’s too slippery, just like… like Lucho’s problem with the basket ball. It feels like she’s always slippering through my hands, and it feels awful not to be able to hold her a little longer. Now I know how idiot Lucho feels.</p><p>“I wouldn’t be able to live without <em>you</em>, Val”. I can’t help but pour my feelings. By the way her eyes watered, I know she feels the same. I move closer to her in bed, then I peck her lips. “I want to marry you”. Valentina looks down at her hands holding the magazine, she breathes deeply before matching my eyes again. She’s clearly upset. That sad expression on her face makes me feel hopeless and pathetic.</p><p>“I know you do, Juls. I’d like to marry you too. We already talked about that and we both know that we can’t”. Hearing her say it breaks me every time. It’s like sticking a blade into my chest and stabbing my heart a thousand times.</p><p>“Let’s run away, Val. I’ll take care of you, I promise” I beg her, almost crying. I would cross the world with her, on foot in necessary.</p><p>“We don’t have money for that Juls! I know you have good intentions, but we would live where? On the streets begging for a few coins and food?” Her desperate tone makes me shed some tears. I can’t hold it.</p><p>She’s right, I only have five thousand dollars in my bank account. Though I started saving from my summer jobs, I also know it’s not enough, not even for a start. And it's more than obvious that neither my father or hers would help us with a dime if they knew we kiss each other in the mouth and do a few other things with our tongues and fingers.</p><p>“I’ll find a way for us to be together!” I promise, looking at the blue eyes I love so much. That way she can be sure that I am being deadly serious about it.</p><p>Valentina swipes her tongue over her teeth and bites her bottom lip, as she always does when nervous. Her long fingers slowly and tenderly brush my hair.</p><p>“We are together <em>now</em>, Juls. Let’s not waste time with the impossible!”</p><p><em>The impossible. </em>Sometimes I hate how Valentina gives up so easily. It’s like I am always the one looking for an alternate ending for both of us, when all she does is leave it up to fate. But then I remind myself that she’s a hider, and I am the seeker. She makes me furious, and insanely turned on.</p><p>“I love you Juliana, don’t ever doubt that” She states. It’s times like these when I really think she can read my mind, or my soul.</p><p>“And I love you twice as much!”</p><p>Enough talking. We kiss each other as if it were the last time. Every time feels like the last time, so we avail each second we have. Her lips sucking mine, her tongue wet and warm inside my mouth, my hands traveling through all her curves and edges, our hearts beating fast in harmony.  I really wish we could stay in this room forever.</p><p>A few knocks on the door makes us jump apart as quick as possible. We dry our red swollen lips and do our best to calm our erratic breathing. It’s Chivis, the Carvajals housemaid, warning that lunch will be served in ten minutes. That's also a warning that I should probably get going.</p><p>Valentina closes the door and sits miles from me, that way we won’t fall in temptation to resume our making out session. She bites her smiley lips and shakes her head, as if telling me we are not allowed to talk about almost being caught by Chivis – again.</p><p>“I’ll go. Mom must be waiting for me to help her to set the table for lunch”. I stand up and collect my backpack and some of the books I borrowed from library today. Val looks at my full hands and chuckles.</p><p>“You’re such a nerd, Juls. My sexy nerd!” She stands up and walks closer to me. With her lips inches away from mine, she smiles. Provoking. “Mrs. Navarro is right; you can be whatever you want. So don’t trade a brilliant future for a war that cannot be won”. Valentina’s tone is serious now, and I know exactly what she means.</p><p>“All I want is a future with you, and I’d fight any war to have that”. It’s true, I’d kill and die for her, and she knows it. I lean in and kiss her lips one last time before I return to the real world. She kisses me back, with urgency, fear, need, and love. I’m sure no one else in the planet could make me feel this way, not a woman, not a man. If that means I am a lesbian, so it be.</p><p>I pull back and clean the extra saliva of her lips. A final kiss on her cheek is worth a thousand words. We learned how to talk by gestures, and that’s my way of saying that I’ll miss her every second until we are able to be alone again. Which is, we never know when.</p><p>“I love you!” I whisper before opening her bedroom door and walking out.</p><p>I greet Leon and Lucia on the way as Valentina accompanies me to the door. “I love you twice as much!” She says as she leans her body against the doorframe watching me cross the street. It feels like a piece of me is always left behind, and unfortunately I can’t do anything to reclaim it. My heart is hers.</p><p>As expected, mom is waiting for me to help set the table. I kiss her forehead before I quickly run to my room to change my uniforms for casual clothes and wash my hands. When I get back downstairs, my father and Alonso are already in the kitchen. Talking about basketball, of course. The day I see any of them lifting a finger to help my mother, it will rain fire instead of water. I quickly put the plates and organize the cutlery on the table. I also get the glasses and a jar of natural orange juice, my father’s favorite. My mother spoiled this man too much – these men, in the plural.</p><p>We pray, eat, and later mom does the rest of the housework yet to be done. My father goes back to work, Alonso goes to his room to take a nap, and I wash the dishes. That’s the routine. When I am almost done drying the dishes and placing it back into the cabinet, my mother reappears in the kitchen caring a pile of ironed clothes of the king and the prince of the house. Here is another detail, I do my own laundry. That way my mother has one less thing to do, and also, because my father believes it is a good way of training me for when I become some dude’s wife. Haha, funny! </p><p>“Have you completed any of your college applications yet?” Lupe asks me as she uses the kitchen table to separate my father’s clothes from my brother’s. I quickly dry my hands to help her.</p><p>“Not yet, still thinking” It’s true. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to apply for.</p><p>Even though I always dreamed of the day I’d move away from Cave City, now I am not sure if it’s the smartest choice. It would be if Valentina and I moved to the capital, together. It would buy us some time, and maybe with the title of a doctor, I could at least try to convince Leon that I am the best pick for his daughter.</p><p>But with things being as they are, I’m almost sure that Valentina will end up giving up her dream of being a model to comply with her father’s wishes. Like him, she’ll probably study something related to business at Cave City’s Community College to later assume the administration of all Carvajals assets. They are in the furniture business. Leon is a woodworker and learned it from his father, who likewise learned it from his father. As Leon had two girls, and carpentry is considered a ‘man job’, he’ll probably just pass the family wealth to Eva and Valentina to administrate and make it prosper.  </p><p>“You should hurry, don’t want to miss the deadlines!” Lupe pinches my cheek, as she affectionately does all the time.</p><p>My mother is the only person who really cares ‘bout me, besides Valentina of course. My relation with my father doesn’t go beyond the point of a few exchanged words. Sometimes, I even have the feeling that he suspects that I’m an evil ‘tradition breaker’.</p><p>Alonso and I have been much closer before, when we were ten and seven years old respectively. Since the day my mother mentioned the possibility of my brother marrying Valentina, I simply couldn’t act normally around him anymore. I know that the immense gap between us is mostly my fault. I started pushing him away from me, and consequently, from Val. So him and I don’t talk much either, only the necessary.</p><p>My relation with my older brother, Alejandro, has always been much easier. Besides the fact he’s ten years ahead of me, the age has never been a problem between us. Often, he would let me sneak into his room to play Mario Kart and Mortal Combat with him until late hours - without our father knowing it, goes without saying. Has ever a boy’s game helped a little girl to become a good housewife? If you said no, you think exactly like my father. Anyway, Alejandro married Eva at the age of twenty-three. They moved to Germany because of his job, Mechanical Engineer at a very famous car company.</p><p>The Valdes men really like cars. It’s not a tradition, but an obsession, I’d say. My father has five Car Resale and Renting stores. But dont worry, here is another stupid family tradition for you: at the age of fifteen, every Valdes receives the first car of his life as gift. Every Valdes but me! Macario came up with the excuse that I was too immature to drive at fifteen, so he promised to gift me a car when I completed high school. Still waiting… let’s see!</p><p>On the flip side, Alejandro has always been smarter than Alonso, for life choices I mean. Like me, my older brother always wanted to get out of Cave City, so he took the first opportunity that presented to him. Evangelina majored literature, and as a good housewife must be, she followed her husband and became an English teacher at a local school. They had two little girls - Ana who is now five, and Alexia, two years old. Names starting with the letter A. Ridiculous, I know! My father was responsible for their name choices since grandpa passed away five years ago and Macario became the oldest man of the Valdes family. I heard that they’ve been trying a third baby, because my father wants a grandson. <em>Un varón</em>, he screams at the phone to my brother every time they talk.                </p><p>I ignore all this mess to look up toward Val's window. The curtains of her bedroom are closed. Always hiding from me! I smile at the silly thought, which also makes me a bit sad.</p><p>“Juli, you have your head in the clouds?” Mom asks from behind, I turn around to see her giggling. She's so beautiful, and so young. Lupe married Macario when she was only seventeen, because he got her pregnant even before she could think about doing anything else other than becoming a housewife. I wish I could take my mother to see the world, show her that there’s more out there beyond the borders of this shitty town.</p><p>“I’m listening mama”. I tell her after a while and she shakes her head. Obviously I didn’t hear what she said.</p><p>“Don’t stress too much Juli! Just follow your heart and you’ll find the answer” she repeats what she had previously said, now pressing a hand over my chest. I know she is talking about college choices but the only thing I can think about is Valentina and I, because my heart is screaming that I should kidnap her and flee from here, once for all.</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. C2. Love is a losing game</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two months passed by like a blink of an eye. I finished filling up my college applications and now I just have to send them. What keeps me from sending it? Valentina.</p><p>I gave her the limit of two months to think about my proposal of running away.</p><p>I had a brilliant idea of asking Sergio for help; so in case she accepts escaping with me to Monterey, we already have a place to stay. He found us a cheap studio to live, only two thousand dollars for six entire months. The place presumably isn’t very luxurious, but it’s what I can temporarily afford. It has a bedroom, a bathroom, and a kitchen - all we need to survive while we can find a job. I’ve been working extra hours in an ice cream shop downtown and also been tutoring some dumb kids from school - sometimes I even do their homework. It’s easy money, twenty-five bucks for written page.</p><p>With all this effort, I doubled my savings in only sixty days. That just proves to Val and myself that I am completely capable of taking care of us when we get away from Cave City. We don’t need our parents’ money, we just need each other. I’m sure we can make it.   </p><p>Because of my busy schedule, I haven’t seen her with the frequency I’d like. But it is worth the sacrifice. And above all, this ‘space’ is good for us. To have a certain distance now that she has to make the decision of her life, is quite necessary. I don’t want to influence her more than I already try to, she must decide it on her own. My mind is made, I’m a hundred percent sure of what I want. Now, it’s up to her. If she says yes, I’ll be the happiest bitch alive. If she says no… well, I didn’t prepare myself for that just yet.   </p><p>I’m wiping the last table before my shift is over when I see her entering the shop. My heart races just for the sight of her. God, I love this girl! Her expression is not showing much enthusiasm by seeing me, and for that I feel my entire body tensing.</p><p>“Hey, Juls”. She hugs me without caring about the dirtiness of my apron or the sweat on my skin. I can feel how tense she also is. I return the embrace, my grip much firmer than hers. Val pulls back to kiss my cheek and rub the dimple on my chin - I don’t know why she loves it so much. “Are you done? I came to take you home” She says so sweetly that I can only nod to respond.</p><p>As quick as possible, I change the dirty uniform for a clean shirt. After saying goodbye to my boss and coworkers, we leave the shop holding hands. We always hold hands in public. People got used to it, because Valentina and I do it since we’re very little. So no one ever thinks it is suspicious. I adore the peacefulness of her presence. And I absolutely love to walk home with her fingers intertwined in mine. Feels like she’s mine, and I am a proud show off for rubbing it at everyone’s face. With our free hands we hold our ice creams - mine chocolate, hers strawberry. The perks of working in an ice cream shop? Free samples!</p><p>We stop in front of her house, but she doesn’t seem very eager to get inside.</p><p>“Can we go to your house today?” I nod, even without understanding her hesitation. “I miss your room” She whispers in my ear and it’s all that takes to make all the hairs of my body lift in excitement.</p><p>We almost run inside. Luckily, my father nor my mother aren’t anywhere to be seen. I lead us to upstairs, we quickly pass by Alonso’s bedroom door and I lock us inside my room. I don’t want my brother to see Valentina, I don’t want to share her with anyone else.</p><p>She must be so desperate as I am, because she pushes me against the door and kisses me with a passionate hunger. Shortly, our tongues are battling and our hands exploring. She deliciously moans my name when I suck her bottom lip, that makes me incredibly wet.</p><p>“Val, don’t be too noisy!” As much as her moans are my particular heaven, we cannot risk to be heard. Her hands find the zipper of my jeans and soon enough her fingers are rubbing my clit. “Shit, Val… Val” I say her name time and time again just like a mantra. My eyes shut for all the consuming pleasure and I lose myself in all the sensations she makes me feel, until she makes me see stars.</p><p>“I love you!” Valentina says against the skin of my neck. “I love you Juliana!” She repeats it in my ear, I’m not sure if her voice is weaker by the ecstasy of the moment or if she’s about to cry. “I love you” Now she looks at me straight in the eyes to say those three tricky words. It came out in tone of a promise. She’s about to cry.</p><p>Valentina has different tone of voices, one for each emotion. When she’s angry her voice is thick; when she’s excited, like very happy, her voice is so high pitched that she sounds like a dolphin; when she’s sad her voice is hardly audible, it almost fades; when she lies, her voice trembles; when she is hungry, for food, she sounds like a spoiled kid; when she is hungry, for kisses or sex, well, I don’t know how to explain, but her voice calls my name differently. And so it goes… I know Valentina too well, and by the tone she just used, I can tell I’ll not like whatever she might has to say.</p><p>We remain in silence for a while. Me, trying to ease my heavy breathing, and she, gathering courage to speak.</p><p>She sits at the edge of my bed, looking down to her feet. I readjust my panties and zip up my jeans before walking and kneeling down in front of her. </p><p>“Val, what’s wrong?” I’m not sure if I’m prepared to hear the answer, but I asked it anyway.</p><p>She shakes her head, yet not meeting my eyes. I softly lift her chin so she can look at me. Her blue eyes have vivid red veins around it, probably because of the unshed tears burning her eyes. A drop finally runs down her cheek, I stop it with my lips in a tender kiss.</p><p>She shuts her eyes and sighs. “I don’t want you working so hard like that. I haven’t seen you for three entire weeks, Juls. I missed you, I miss us!” She declares. Half tone sad, half angry.</p><p>“That’s why you don’t want me working so hard, or is it because you already have an answer to me?” She knows what I mean, and by the way she bites her bottom lip I’m sure I will hear a <em>no</em> to our running away plan.</p><p>“I don’t want to hurt you. You know you’re the love of my life bu-”</p><p>“So let’s live our lives Val, because you’re the love of mine too!” I interrupt her, almost screaming. Panic takes over every inch of my heart. I can’t accept defeat, I won’t accept that.</p><p>“Juls, it’s not that simple” She insists on being a coward. I stand up and give my back to her, trying to take deep breathes before I burst in tears.</p><p>“Yes, it is! We just pack some clothes and we run away. It is that simple!” I retort with a shout, yet facing my closet.</p><p>“NO, IT IS NOT!” She shouts back, I turn around to see her red eyes and nose. “I am not gonna ruin your life Juliana, you have an infinite of opportunities to be successful, independent. You even told me a thousand times you never wanted to be a housewife, how on earth can I run away with you to force you to work your ass off to sustain both of us? Tell me, how could I have the heart of seeing you trading your dreams to live a dull life with me? You are smart, smarter than anyone I know. Use that blessed brain god gave you, don’t waste your natural gift. Not because of any men, not even because of me”</p><p>I can’t believe she just said that!</p><p>I sit next to her in bed, her hands are shaking. I take’em in mine and leave quick kisses on her fingers, until she calms down.</p><p>“Tell me what is the benefit of a successful life without love?” I defy and she draws some air to reply, but I don’t let her. “Listen to me Valentina: I want to marry you because I love you, not for looks or stupid status. And I won’t work alone, you’ll work too, we’ll take care of each other. If I succeed in life, I want to succeed with you. Growing together, as we always did. It’s not a trade between my brain and my heart, it’s a choice. I choose you, over any and everything!”</p><p>She hugs me so tightly that it is hard to breath. But I don’t care, I let her squeeze me more and more.</p><p>“I think you watched too many romantic movies” Though I can’t see it, I feel her smile against the skin of my neck, her favorite place to hide. </p><p>“And whose fault is that, amor mío?” I retort and we both chuckle. After a moment of quietness, I pull her head back to look at her in the eyes again. I peck her lips and clean her nose with the hem of my shirt. “I won’t let anyone marry you, no one gets you as I do.” I joke, but she tenses again. Val stands up and looks at me with wide startled eyes.</p><p>“Did they already tell you? They promised to give me some time…”  </p><p>What? Who told me what? I’m confused, and she seems to be furious. Valentina starts pacing around my room, I stand up and hold her in front of me.    </p><p>“Val, what are you talking about?” She places a hand over her mouth, terrified. “Val?” I repeat, now I’m the one starting to freak out.</p><p>After a moment or two she finally speaks again. “Nothing Juls, forget it! I have to go home” Before I can ask anything else, she is already running out of my room. I try to run after her and make her stop to explain me what the hell she’s talking about, but her longer legs are faster than mine. I watch her entering her house and shutting the main door without looking back.</p><p>I return to my room completely stupefied. Her phone rings a few times but she doesn’t pick up any of my calls, suddenly it goes straight to voicemail. She must have turned it off. What-the-hell? I hear my mom calling me from the kitchen, and so I’ve to swallow this strange sensation that invaded me. For now, I must get back to pretending that everything is perfectly fine, so I can help Lupe with whatever she needs.</p><p>“Juli, is everything ok?” Mom asks when I meet her in the kitchen.</p><p>“Yeah, ok” I answer, as naturally as possible. My legs still slightly trembling; one, because of the incredible orgasm I just had, and two, because now I'm very concerned about the strange way Val is acting.</p><p>“Is Valentina here? I thought I’ve heard her voice” Mom inquiries, looking over my shoulder toward the living room.   </p><p>“She was, just went home” I answer while checking at the window, her bedroom lights are off. Very weird! What’s happening?</p><p>“Did you two have <em>the</em> talk?” Mom has a slight smile on her lips as she asks. What-is-going-on-in-here?</p><p>“Sure, <em>the</em> talk…” now I just have to wait until mom takes the bait and tells me whatever they might be hiding from me.</p><p>“Sooo, what do you think of it?” Shit, why mom has to be so indirect sometimes? I’ll have to push a little further.</p><p>“I think it’s great! What do <em>you</em> think of it?” Now her smile is even wider, like she just heard the best news of the decade.</p><p>“You know what I think! You and I started that talk ten years ago in this very kitchen, and it was my idea” My mother proudly states, I have to use a few seconds to figure out what is <em>that talk</em> she’s referring to. Oh no… It cannot be… NO! No no no, wait! Is that what I am thinking it is?</p><p>“Mama, just to make sure you and I are on the same page right now. What are <em>we </em>talking about?”</p><p>She chuckles, happy as a kid on Christmas day. “Valentina and Alonso, of course. Your father and Leon have already come to an agreement; we will have another Carvajal-Valdes beautiful wedding!!!”</p><p>And that’s when my world crumbles. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As C2 is short, I'm posting it in advance. Also, that way the wait for C3 won't be too long. It will be up on Thursday as committed. Xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. C3. Love Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It has been a month since I got the fabulous news. By my mother’s mouth, because Valentina didn’t have the dignity of telling me herself. She’s a hider, but we never kept secrets or concealed anything from each other before. Until now. Until she simply couldn’t fucking tell me about our parents stupid idea of making her engagement with my brother Alonso official.</p><p>I wonder how long she’s known about it and yet she let me make a fool of myself, working extra hours to save the money for our escape – knowing we wouldn’t escape in the end. What am I to her, a pathetic clown?</p><p>We haven’t spoken since that night and I really don’t want to see her, not with all this rage inside my body. It’s not that I hate her now, I never could hate Valentina. I just find intolerable her lack of honesty toward me.</p><p>Tonight is the disgusting dinner to make their ‘business’ official for the rest of the families and friends. For me it’s some kind of business, no other way to describe that outrage. And I am both the sister of the husband-to-be and the best friend of the future-Mrs.-Valdes. So I have to play my part and show up, even though I am pretty sure I won’t able to swallow anything without throwing up afterwards. </p><p>The dinner will take place at her house; the bride’s family always host the engagement celebration. Alejandro and Eva came with the kids, and so did my aunts that I only see in holiday parties – thankfully. I can’t stand them and their brainless questions.</p><p><em>‘Why do you always use sneakers? It’s ripped!’  ‘Do you already have a boyfriend?’ ‘You’re next in line for marriage, you know?’ </em>Yes, I do know. And I hate the fact that my father will start looking for good candidates for me as soon as Alonso is settled. If Valentina doesn’t run away with me now, it’s our end.</p><p>I enter the Carvajals house and everyone else is already there. It doesn’t take too long until Lucia walks toward me and kisses my cheeks, welcoming me to the event of the year.</p><p>“Juli! I’m so happy that you finally joined us. We have our guest of honor, now we can really start the celebrations!” People laugh of her blazing enthusiasm, and all I can do is fake a smile. <em>Guest of honor</em>, could life be more unmerciful than that? I must be the worst of the sinners to deserve this kind of humiliation. I shouldn’t be a mere guest, I should be the one marrying your daughter.</p><p>People look at me, checking out my clothes. I know, I have style! I’m wearing my faded ripped jeans that goes perfectly with my old blue Converse with its characteristic hole on its side. Also, I’m wearing a white polo shirt, Valentina’s favorite – I made sure to pick that one specifically. My hair is down, wildly free and wavy. No much makeup, I hate to color my face like a clown – despite the fact I am one! But I opted for discretion tonight, some mask and a lip gloss is enough.</p><p>In comparison to the other girls in the place, I look too simple. Valentina’s fancy ‘friends’ from school are all here, killing me with a repulsive stare. But I don’t care. At all. I rather be myself than look like the Joker.</p><p>By my father's disgusted look over me, he does care. Once he had a bad argument with my mom, accusing her of buying me too many boys clothes. He just doesn’t know the sheer detail that mom doesn’t choose my clothes since I was ten. But how could him know that, if he never pays attention to me?!</p><p>After all the hugging, Lucia takes me to the kitchen to put the flowers I brought in a jar with water. On the way, I see Chivis and we share a cold greeting. I don’t know what this grumpy lady has against me, but whatever it is, it’s very bad - taking into account the loathsome way she looks at me every time.</p><p>Lucia serves me a glass of soda with three ice cubes, just the way I like. I sip the cold liquid and it helps me to maintain the calm appearance, at least for now. The voices in the living room are loudly excited, way too much for an arranged marriage in my opinion. Am I crazy for thinking that this is an absurd? Am I the only one in here who sees it as a Middle Age thinking that should have remained in the past? What’s wrong with you people?</p><p>“Where’s Vale? Everyone is waiting” We hear Leon asking as he enters the kitchen. His smile is so wide and bright that it is stomach-turning.</p><p>“She should be ready by now. Juli, can you go and get her for us? She must be nervous…” Lucia politely asks me, I just nod to both of them.</p><p>I run upstairs, straight to her bedroom. I’m also nervous, just like a cat on hot bricks.</p><p>The tension makes me wonder if I should knock or run back to my own room and pretend I don’t exist. I’m not really prepared to face what’s behind that door. Cold sweat and chills, I feel like I’m about to pass out.  </p><p>“Val, open the door. It’s me!” She doesn’t answer, I turn the doorknob. It’s locked. “Valentina” I repeat, my voice firmer this time. I hear the sound of soft steps until she releases the latch. I enter in her room and lock the door once again. She has been crying, and though she has applied tons of makeup trying to disguise her sadness, I see through it. I know her, better than anyone.</p><p>“Can you forgive me?” She asks while looking down to her feet, her trembling bottom lip is now pressed between her perfect white teeth.</p><p>“There’s nothing to forgive if we run away. There’s still hope, but we are running out of time”. I know it’s stupid, but I have to try until I still can. Nothing will be irreversible until she says ‘I do’.  </p><p>“I don’t love him. I want you to know that”</p><p>I know that. I open my mouth to respond, but she places a finger on my lips to shut me up.</p><p>“It’s been decided, there’s nothing we can do about it”</p><p>My heart fails, I fall to my knees. I put my head on her belly and my arms hug her waist. She tries to lift me up, but it feels like that on the ground is where I should be. If I stand up, if I am able to stand up, it all will become reality and I can’t accept it’s real. This isn’t real. No!</p><p>“Juls, please don’t make it harder than already is” Valentina also kneels down and holds my face. She kisses my cheeks, my nose, my lips. “I have to do that mi amor, it’s the only way I can make sure you’ll be safe”.</p><p>“You’re so young … <em>we</em> are so young! What about college? You still can try to study at the capital, we could … Just give me more time, we should have more time!” I beg between my sobs, she’s crying too.</p><p>She tries to put me on my feet again, I let her this time. We know nothing will change our parents’ mind, especially me. Val dries my tears and hers as well. Her makeup still perfectly fine, but she walks toward the mirror to recheck it. She reaches out her hand, inviting me to join her in front of the mirror. No matter how much we try to disguise it, everyone will notice that we’ve been crying. We will have to pretend these were tears of happiness. Valentina has always been the better one at hiding things. I suck on pretending!</p><p>We look at our reflection. We would’ve made a beautiful couple, but that’s not the <em>tradition.</em>         </p><p>“I’ll always love you. Don’t forget, or ever doubt about that!”</p><p>My heart aches, so much and so intensively that I might die tonight.</p><p>“I’ll always love you too. Twice as much. That will never change” I force myself to say, accepting the defeat. She kisses my cheek and I force my eyes shut, otherwise I’ll start crying again. Val takes a deep breath and checks herself on the mirror one last time before walking to the door.</p><p>“I won’t be able to pretend I’m happy” I wretchedly say before she leaves.</p><p>“You’ll have to. You’re my best friend. And we know about the many terrible consequences if our families ever find out about us”.</p><p><em>Many terrible consequences.</em> The hell, she means. I can’t even imagine how Leon and my father would react if they ever find out about Valentina and I. I’ll have to play my part, otherwise it will be too suspicious. We can’t risk being discovered. We can’t risk ourselves.</p><p>“Just tell me, for how long have you known about this?” I ask. She shakes her head and looks away again.</p><p>“Stop it, Juliana. Please! We don’t have time to do it now, and it doesn’t matter anymore”</p><p>“Matters to me!” My voice is broken, just like my heart.</p><p>She looks at me, crestfallen. “Just pretend to be happy, for one hour ok? As soon as we do this, sooner it will be over.”</p><p>No Val, it will never be over. I won’t ever be genuinely happy again.</p><p>Before Valentina can open the door and walk out, I hold her in my arms and kiss her lips in hope we will wake up from this nightmare, just like in the tale of sleeping beauty. When we pull apart to regain breath, our foreheads united, her eyes on mine, we can still hear people talking downstairs. It’s not a nightmare. It’s not a ridiculous fairy tale. This is real life, cruel and merciless real life.</p><p>“I rather sacrifice myself and live miserably, than live a life without you!” She whispers in my ear.</p><p>Then Val pulls apart, dries her lips, opens the door, pinches her cheeks to make it pinker, put a smile on her face and walks out. That’s it, I lost the war.</p><p>I follow her, instants later.</p><p>These were the worst sixty minutes of my life. I couldn’t barely pay attention to my surroundings. The food? I don’t even know what it tastes like. I almost throw up when Alonso looks at me with a victorious smirk on his face. Seems like he knew we were in a particular dispute, him and I, and he is the winner. I wonder if he ever had any suspicions about my ‘friendship’ with Valentina, but like she just told me: it doesn’t matter now.</p><p>After desserts were served and the ring is put on her finger, I tell mom I’m not feeling too well. It’s more than flesh and blood can stand. With an excuse that all the happiness for my friend and brother made me too emotional to the point of my stomach feeling sick, she let me go home.</p><p>I cross the street without saying goodbye to anyone, not even to Valentina. Especially to her.                   </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know, rough chapter. I'll post C4 on saturday so you wont hate me too much. Xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. C4. Need the Sun to Break</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My bed is the only place I want to be. I’m battle-worn.</p><p>After school, day in and out, I come straight to my room, lay down, and hope for the blessing of a quick death. I quitted my job at the ice cream shop and also stopped doing school works as business. After all, what’s the point of saving money now? It’s been two weeks since the engagement dinner – or at least I think it has, I lost track of time.</p><p>I turned my cellphone off at the first second I stepped into my room after that gruesome dinner and didn't bother to turn it back on. I don’t wanna talk to anyone, I don’t wanna talk to her.</p><p>I’ve been wondering what am I to Valentina. Does she even care about my feelings? About our feelings? I was just a distraction to her until she could marry my brother, the perfect mister that has nothing of perfect. That lazy idiot! They will have lazy kids. Yuck! Just the thought of Alonso being naked near my Valentina makes me want to throw up. And that’s exactly what I do.</p><p>Luckily, I am able to reach the toilet before I vomit the cup of coffee I had this morning. Lately, I haven’t been with much appetite, it’s hard to keep any food in my stomach with all these disgusting thoughts tormenting my existence.</p><p>At school, I’ve been avoiding everyone. I’m only still going to classes because I am not dumb like my brother to fail my last year of high school for low attendance. Valentina, for a few times, tried to talk to me. Gladly, she realized I don’t want to see her face and quitted bothering me. She doesn’t need me anyway, she has a fandom to spoil her. The girls at school are treating her like a queen, even more now. All because of that stupid giant diamond ring on her finger. Which my father bought, by the way. Alonso doesn’t have a job, he never worked a single day in his entire twenty years of life. He can’t even afford to buy Valentina a Big Mac! I really don’t know how they think he’ll be a good husband to her, or to any other woman. But you know what, that’s not my damn problem!</p><p>I still can’t hate Valentina - again, I never could. But I just don’t know how to move on. I never planned a life without her, and now, that’s exactly what I must do.</p><p>I hear heavy knocks on the door.</p><p>“Juliana, stop being useless and go downstairs to help your mother!” That’s my lovely father. “It will be hard to find a husband to this one”. I hear him murmuring as he walks back to the living room to watch TV. <em>Useless</em>, that’s how he treats me. And somehow, it’s the first time in my life I agree with him. I’m feeling useless, to the maximum extent.</p><p>Yet in my uniforms, I make my way down to the kitchen. I don’t have enough strength in my body to start an argument with Macario right now. I know it’s wrong to think or say something like that, but I hate him so much for taking the love of my life from me.</p><p>My mom smiles at me, I nod as a greeting.</p><p>“Juli!” Mom doesn’t know what to say. She knows something is making me trashy like this, but she doesn’t know how to ask what’s the problem. Or maybe, she’s afraid of hearing the answer. I help her to set the table, she calls dad and Alonso, and we pray before eating. They pray for their god, and I pray for mine. I don’t believe in a celestial being that rejects and condemns love. That’s their god, not mine. I won’t worship ‘something’ that is ruining my life by accusing my feelings for Valentina as a sin just because we’re two girls.  </p><p>I play with the broccoli on my plate, my stomach is so weak that I can’t even bare the smell of food. Alonso has been staring at me for the past days. It’s annoying. Enough to try the patience of a saint. I pretend to not care about it, but it’s becoming harder as the anger only grows inside my heart. He’s still wearing a victorious expression on, and being more talkative than usual. Can you guess what’s his favorite subject? Yeah, his stupid proposal to Valentina. I hate him for having my girl. I hate Leon and Macario for their stupid traditions. And I hate myself for being born a woman.</p><p>It doesn't take too long until I feel nauseous again.</p><p>“What is that, you’re pregnant or something?” I hear Alonso mocking and laughing as my father’s face becomes blood red in rage.</p><p>“If you are pregnant I’ll kill you and the irresponsible who have done this to you before marriage!” Macario shouts, rice flying off his mouth.</p><p>As if he cared about me... It’s all about reputation. Or as if he hasn’t ‘done’ it to my mother before marrying her. Hypocrisies! </p><p>“She’s not pregnant!” My mom stands up for me. “Are you?” She now sounds not so sure about the source of my constant vomiting.</p><p>I look up and see Alonso maliciously smiling, as if somehow he is pleased for seeing me in trouble. Wait a minute, he is pleased! When did we become declared enemies?</p><p>My brain is screaming at me, telling me to respond to his provocations accordingly. I should say that I’m pregnant of Valentina, because she’s the only person I ever had sex with. And though that’s exactly what I want to do to wipe that ridiculous smile off Alonso’s face, I can’t. Macario would choke me to death.  </p><p>“It’s obvious that I am not pregnant!” that’s what I reply instead.</p><p>“Of course not! Who in a sane mind would find you attractive enough to lay you?” Now Alonso went too far. In an impulse reaction, I stand up from my chair willing to punch his stupid face. </p><p>“Don’t say that about your sister Alonso!” mom defends me, but he laughs. </p><p>“Shut up, Lupita. The boy is right!” My father, like always, is on his side. It doesn’t matter if it means humiliating me. “Look at how she dresses: loose shirts and horrible jeans. Not to mention that ripped tennis shoes I hate so much! It’s your fault if I can’t find a man who'll accept marrying this girl. She’ll live at our house forever”.</p><p>And that’s his main concern. If I become the single aunt of the family, living under his roof forever. It would be so shameful, wouldn’t it? That’s enough to make me want to leave the table.</p><p>“Where are you going? The dishes won’t wash itself!” Macario yells at me. I just need to get out of this house for a minute before I burst.</p><p>My legs unconsciously take me to the front yard. The pain in my stomach is so strong that it makes my body squirm. I press a hand on my belly trying to ease the intense cramp. I vomit again, near the mailbox. I feel my sight darkening and my head spins. Before I can do anything to prevent the fall, my body hits the grass.</p>
<hr/><p>I wake up with a horrible headache, but at least I am already inside my room. Every inch of my body hurts, head to toe. I sit up in the middle of my bed, the dizziness makes me swiftly shut my eyes again. What if I am pregnant? The ridiculous thought makes me chuckle, and then I cry. I wish I could have a baby with Valentina, but unfortunately I know that will never happen. It’s quite odd how much liquid I have in my body, because I’ve been crying every day for the past two weeks and I still have tears to shed.</p><p>Mom enters in my room without knocking, she has this terrible habit. That’s why whenever Valentina and I were making out in here, we had to lock the door. Like two prisoners - criminals of love. She sits at the edge of my bed and hands me a glass of a very green liquid.</p><p>“What’s that?” I ask before drinking. The strong smell of freshly cut grass warns me that this must taste like crap.</p><p>“Gulp it down!” she refuses to say, otherwise she knows I wouldn’t drink it. This organic treatment skill is <em>traditionally </em>passed from generation to generation. Lupe learned this natural medicine recipe with her mother, who learned with her grandmother, and so it goes. And as any other tradition of this family, this one sucks too. I was right, it tastes like crap mixed with grass and mud! My grimace tells it all.</p><p>“You’ll feel better soon!” she pinches my cheek and smiles. All I want to do is throw up again.</p><p>Mom stares at me for a while, in silence. She’s trying to read me. “You’ve been crying” It’s not a question. I shrug, feigning indifference. “Do you want me to call Valent-?”</p><p>“NO!” Without intending, I shout. She lifts an eyebrow. “Sorry mom! I just want to be alone”</p><p>Lupe kisses my forehead and nods. At least someone in this family listens to me and respects my will.</p><p>“I know why you haven’t been feeling well! It started two weeks ago, after the dinner at the Carvajals!” her words make me freeze. Shit, does she … have my mom figured me out?</p><p>“You and Valentina haven’t been talking since then, I’ve never seen you two so distant. It’s very obvious. You’re jealous!”</p><p>Ho-ly-shit! Mom knows I’m <strike>gay</strike> Valentinasexual! Fuck, what will she do? Will she tell dad? Fuuuck! Val will kill me, if Macario doesn’t kill me first.</p><p>“You have no reason to feel jealous, Juli. You and Valentina can still be best friends, just like Lucia and I are”.</p><p>Hahaha! Wait a minute… she thinks I'm jealous because Val is getting married and I am not? That’s hilarious! No mom, I'm jealous because my girlfriend is engaged to my brother. I shake my head and chuckle. Sometimes innocence is a blessing in disguise!  </p><p>“I’m not jealous”, I tell her. At least not the way you think I am.</p><p>Lupe narrows her eyes in disbelief. “I called Sergio” She says, out of nowhere.</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>“Because I figured you’re feeling alone and abandoned by Valentina now that she has wedding plans to do. You’ll need some company, and he’s the only friend you have - besides Valentina, of course”.</p><p>Ouch! That hurt me in so many different ways that I cannot even describe.</p><p>Lupe always tries to make me feel comfortable. It’s the best she can do at these conditions. And her good intentions are enough for me.</p><p>“Thanks mom!”  She smiles so brightly that it’s worth the pretending.</p><p>“He asked me if he could take you to Monterey for the weekend. He wants to show you MU campus and also around the city. Maybe, that way, you can finally send those college applications you’ve been postponing!”</p><p>I can’t believe she said yes to Sergio’s proposal. If mom only knew how ‘sinful’ he is, I’m sure she would not trust him that much. In other circumstances, I'd say no to that plan. But maybe getting out of Cave City for a while isn't a bad idea after all. I need to get out of my particular cave, that's for sure. My mattress is molding by the shape of my body, or the mattress will make my body flatter than it already is. If I don’t get out of bed, I’ll soon become Juliana square pants.</p><p>“Take a shower and get ready, he’s on his way!” Mom tells me as she throws a clean towel on my face. “I want you back home Sunday afternoon, latest”. I stand up to walk to the bathroom. </p><p>“What does Macario think about me, going out, on a Friday night, in a mini trip with Sergio?” I can’t help but ask. Mom stops herself at my bedroom door and turns around to look at me.</p><p>“Your father doesn’t know Sergio will take you out. I told him you’ll spend the weekend in a graduation trip with other members of your school. I've got your back, just play along!” She winks and leaves. That woman is unpredictable, I must admit!</p><p>The clock marks 6:03pm when I hear some honking outside. I look down the window and see Sergio’s old red Chevy parked in front of the Carvajals house. Bastard! Why did he have to park so near them?</p><p>I collect my backpack stocked with a pair of jeans and three shirts for the weekend. Some clean socks and panties, a toothbrush, my Ipod, ID, wallet, and the filled college applications. I shove my phone in my back pocket and run to the kitchen to tell mom I’m leaving. She gives me a hundred-dollar bill, so meticulously folded that it’s almost impossible to recognize Benjamin Franklin’s figure. She demands responsibility from me and I agree with all her terms. Thankfully, Macario hasn’t return from work yet, so I don’t need to see him. And I don’t even bother to say bye to Alonso.</p><p>As quick as possible, I jump in Sergio’s car. Couldn’t risk being seen by Valentina. For the first time ever, I am the hider.</p><p>After I throw my backpack in the back seat, Sergio kisses my cheeks and I give him a heartfelt hug. “You look awful!”  he says, pulling his head back enough to have a full range of vision of my zombie semblance.</p><p>“Thanks! You look uglier too” he laughs at my ironic retort. I missed him. It’s weird to confess this to myself, but mom is right. I have no other true friend besides Valentina. And though Sergio may be a bit too extra most of the times, he is a good boy. He doesn’t judge me. He doesn’t want to dictate my life. So I guess that qualifies him as a good friend.</p><p>“We’re waiting for…?” I impatiently ask, anxious to get away from the Carvajals front yard. Sergio knows that something's wrong with me, I can tell. I don’t know how much mom and him talked about, but he knows I’m not living the dream.</p><p>“Okaaay... off we go!” he starts the engines and we finally move. I couldn’t even look up toward Val’s window, I forced my eyes to stare down at my ripped blue Converse. “You look depressed, and skinner” he states, darting his eyes between the road and me. I shrug, don’t know what to say. Maybe I am depressed, the love of my life will marry my brother… what could anyone expect?</p><p>He drives and we linger on a comfortable silence. It’s only twenty minutes later, when we finally hit the interstate, that he tries to come up with a chat.</p><p>“How’s your last year of hell school going?”  I chuckle, his drama is unmatchable. I can’t deny I really missed him.</p><p>“Eh, you know, the usual. Stupid cheerleaders running around with too much makeup and way too short skirts. Dumb athletes who think they’re the center of the universe. Teachers who don’t like their jobs, but need the money to pay the rent. A bunch of SATs practice. Uncertainty and apprehension about future after graduation… the usual.” </p><p>He nods, a small smile appears on the corner of his lips.</p><p>“What about life extra-classroom?”</p><p>He’s indirectly asking me about Valentina. Though I've never explicitly told him about Val and I, he knows we’re inseparable. Everyone in this stupid town knows we’re inseparable. We were. Things will change. It’s already changing. </p><p>“It is what it is!” I mumble. Sergio doesn’t look at me this time. I can feel his hesitation.</p><p>“I’m sorry!” he says.</p><p>“You don't have to be” why would him apologize? He’s not responsible for making me come to this miserable life as a girl.</p><p>Again, we fall into a deep silence. Now, a weird silence. But I am glad he didn’t push, I just want to forget the mess my life currently is. For a day, at least.</p><p>But as all good things must come to an end, I feel my cellphone vibrating in the back pocket of my jeans. I reach for it and on the screen there’s her name with a heart emoji and an old photo of us. It’s my favorite picture, among the thousands we have together. We were eight when mom captured that moment. Val had just lost both of her front teeth, we were in my room when it fell off. Lupe told me to hold her teeth in my palm while Val posed to the camera. My face is contorted in a grimace because I found it too gross to have her blooded teeth in my hands. Valentina has a wide smile on her lips because she found it too funny. I loved that day, and I couldn't help but love her a bit more.</p><p>“You two, always together!” he comments, looking at my phone screen. Pursing my lips while deciding what to do, I think on how life can be so meticulously awful sometimes. <em>Always together.</em> I just couldn’t know that always didn’t mean forever.</p><p>I swallow the urge of crying and block the screen. I still don’t want to talk to her. I don’t know, what am I supposed to say? <em>I am happy for you! You and Alonso will have wonderful babies!?</em> </p><p>I know I won’t be able to ignore her forever. But right now, I am. So I turn a deaf ear to my phone and pretend it’s not ringing.  </p><p>“Not gonna answer?” Sergio has always been a curious person. He obviously found it weird that I am rejecting a call from my bestie. I shake my head side to side as a secure no. His frowned nose and arched brow is a sign that he knows something is very wrong. I look to the window and try to focus on the landscape as we leave all my problems behind. Only the sound of the tires against the pavement can be heard.</p><p>It takes us another two silent hours until we finally arrive at Monterey. It seems like another world compared to Cave City. I’ve been here a few times, but the giant buildings, the wondrous city lights, and all the fuss on the streets 24/7 always amazes me as if it were my first time. I am just a girl from the country side, but the thrill I feel in my body reveals that I may belong here instead. </p><p>Sergio stops at a gas station to refill the tank. He walks into the little shop to pay for the fuel and returns with a few bottles of wine and vodka. He hands it to me with a wide smile on his naughty face.</p><p>“I know exactly what you need for tonight! Do you mind if we go meet some friends of mine? Most of them study at MU too. That way you can talk with some of’em about prospect majors and how's life in the campus…”</p><p>I know that all this means that we’re about to go to a party. And by the quantity of alcohol he just bought, his friends won’t be able to actually debate with me the pros or cons of studying at Monterey University.  I’m about to refuse the offer and ask him to take me to his place when my phone buzzes again. This time is an app notification, from my brother. Weird! We never tag each other on pictures… I open the app and feel my heart breaking a little more, as if it was even possible. Alonso tagged me on his new publication: a photo of his damn lips slightly touching Valentina’s. She doesn’t seem happy, but WTF? Under the pic, the caption: <em>she said YES!!!!!</em> With five over exaggerated exclamations marks and a diamond ring emoji.</p><p>Why is he doing that to me? Does he know about us? Does he hate me? It seems he does!</p><p>Without much control over my emotions, I feel teardrops hitting my trembling hands. Suddenly, I am sobbing. Sergio involves me in a hug, and by the pity expression on his face, he knows exactly what I feel for Valentina.</p><p>I let all the sadness lavish over me, the heaviness of the past days come out at once. We remain like that for a couple minutes, until my sobbing cease. I pull my face from Sergio’s chest, his shirt is so wet that looks like he just faced a rainstorm. Somehow, he did. My rainstorm of feelings.    </p><p>“I’ve heard the rumors about she getting married to your brother. But I wanted to give you space”. I nod, accepting the tissue he handed me to dry my tears and blow my clogged nose. “I knew about your feelings for her, but I couldn’t possibly imagine that it was <em>that</em> bad”.       </p><p>I shift my body on the car seat, my eyes are so swollen for all the crying that it is a bit hard to see clearly. We hear a honk, there are people also waiting to refill the tank, and we're standing in the way for too long now.</p><p>Sergio drives us to a fast food. We enter the almost empty restaurant and he orders two chocolate milkshakes. In five minutes we have our drinks in hand, so we decide to sit in a booth in the back of the place.</p><p>The cold liquid makes its way down my throat and my stomach thanks me for the treat. I don’t know if it’s because I’m starving to death or this milkshake is <em>really</em> good! Sergio barely sips his. He’s waiting for me to recompose myself, so we can resume the talk we started back in the car. After taking a deep breath for courage, I match his eyes. </p><p>“For how long have you known? About me? For Val…” I stammer. Never talked about it to anyone before. “Is it too obvious? I mean… can everyone notice?”</p><p>Fear consumes me. I could tell Sergio is gay the instant I met him. What if people can also identify the homosexuality in me? I know there’s nothing wrong, but the folks at my town don’t think exactly like me or Sergio. <em>My parents </em>see it as a dreadful sin. </p><p>“Chill out, gurl. Not everyone has a keen gaydar!”  </p><p>“Gaydar?” I ask, and he laughs. What the hell is this boy talking about?</p><p>“Gaydar, a gay radar. The ability of homosexuals to recognize one another intuitively".</p><p>"Oh!" My cheeks flush. Feels like I was born yesterday and I know almost nothing about this world.</p><p>"You’re so innocent that it’s cute! Naïve, but cute”</p><p>I don’t know if that was a compliment or an offence. But his playful tone makes me smile for the first time since I left my house… or since all this nightmare started. </p><p>“Don't worry. At first I couldn't be all sure if you were part of the community or not. It took me a few days to figure you out. You’re too exotic…” Ok, now I am sure this isn’t a compliment. “… but the way you look at each other…” a pause for a sip on the milkshake, “…that denounced you two!" he completes and snaps his fingers to emphasize his ‘discovery’. A wave of chills spreads on my insides, reaching out every cell of my body. Holy crap!</p><p>Valentina in fact looks at me like no one else. Those blue eyes have always been the death of me. Oh man… I am so screwed!</p><p>“She’s not the only girl in the world, you know”. Sergio must have detected the panic in my eyes, but that’s not acceptable to say.</p><p>Val may not be the only girl in the world, but she is the only girl of <em>my</em> world. I wanted to say, but he wouldn’t understand. He’s never been in love.</p><p>“I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid…” he starts singing Aladdin, I roll my eyes at him. Is not just a mere coincidence that Sergio is majoring Arts – theater, to be more specific. “Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?” he keeps going, his voice isn’t bad. It’s pretty good actually. I look around, the few people inside the place have all eyes on us. I blush, I’ve never been a person to draw attention. Valentina is the one to enjoy attention, not me. I should stop thinking about her for a change.</p><p>“I can open your eyes, take you wonder by woooondeerrr. Over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride”. Now Sergio is standing by our table, with a hand over his chest. Giving quite a show. “A whole new worrrld, a new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming” A random girl joins him on the singing. Perfect! I just fell into an episode of High School Musical without being aware. “A whole new world, with new horizons to pursue. We’ll chase them anywhere, there’s time to spare, let me share this whole new world with yooou” he knelt down, right in front of me. Took my hand and kissed the back of it. That’s the most pathetic scene of my life, I’m sure. But also, the funniest – without Valentina. Damn it! Why can’t I stop thinking about her?</p><p>He finishes the song and people excitedly clap. I decide to play along, after all, it was a nice effort. So I also give him a standing ovation. Sergio stands up and hugs me tight, then we hear a collective <em>oooh</em>.</p><p>“They probably think you are trying to seduce me!” I whisper to him. We both laugh, it sounds too absurd to our ears. He looks around and wink at people, as if affirming to them that he just conquered my heart. I playfully push his shoulder, warning him to cut off the bullshit. He frenetically giggles.</p><p>“So, what do you say? Let’s go on an adventure or not?” I have second thoughts about it, and why, it’s too obvious to him. I am not a party kind of girl. And I have a terrible headache. “Oh, comeeeoon! I won’t throw you to the lions right at your first night out of the cave”.</p><p>The image of Alonso and Valentina inches away from kissing appears in my mind again, and that’s enough to make me accept Sergio's offer. He loudly cheers. We grab our shakes and return to the car. Some distraction will do good, and also, I confess that part of me is very curious to know more about Sergio’s world. I’ve heard some stories, but being part of it will be different. Besides that, I need to get used to the idea of a life without Valentina. As soon as I start, maybe, sooner I’ll accept the facts and deal with it in a less painful way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>'til Thursday! Xx ⛅</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. C5.  What does the fox say?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>'The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why'. - Mark Twain</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The apprehension inside my chest grows as Sergio parks his car at the most famous avenue of Monterey.  And the ‘famous’ title isn’t for the touristic or historical characteristics of the place. This neighborhood is known for the many college students that reside in the area. Block by Block, building by building, it’s a mini extension of MU dorms – but a few miles away from the campus. </p><p>It’s possible to hear the loud talking trying to overcome the insanely high volume of the electronic music playing somewhere nearby. In my hands, I’ve a small bouquet of gardenias. I made Sergio stop in a flower shop so we could buy some flowers to the girl whose birthday party we are going to. I don’t even know her, or any of Sergio’s friends. But it is disrespectful to show up in a bday celebration without a gift. The bouquet is modest, but its simplicity is what makes it exquisite. Not to mention that gardenias have an unmistakable sweet scent.  </p><p>We barely step out of the car and my heart skips a bit for the first time in the night. Two men in a motorcycle slowly approach us, almost invading the sidewalk. I hold my backpack and the flowers with more intensity. I’ve heard that there have been lots of robbery cases happening in the capital, all made by motorcyclists. That’s the main problem of big cities, the <em>‘survival of the fittest’ </em>is what rules – and now I am not so sure if I could survive this chaos. Luckily, the two men didn’t steal us, they just stopped to ask for directions. Sergio helped them, and they left right away.</p><p>Sergio crosses the street and I follow him with my yet trembling legs.</p><p>He approaches the main entrance and I, with my stomach in knots, wait right behind of him. He hits the intercom, but there is no immediate answer. I look up and the sky already has some stars on display, that reminds me that I should find a moment to call mom and let her know we made to Monterey safely.</p><p>“I’m glad you decided to come!” Sergio says, he seems honestly excited.   </p><p>“I’m a bit nervous” I confess. “Not to mention that I have a horrible migraine! It’s been two days in a roll with this stupid headache”. He turns his head to look at me, inquisitively. But after a few seconds, he smiles. </p><p>“You don’t need to be nervous, everyone is nice. Maybe bit crazy and misunderstood, yes, but all very nice. If anyone act or say anything mean to you, let me know”. He takes a plastic bag from his jacket pocket and hands me a blue pill. “Here, I’m not obliging you to anything, let’s make it clear. But if you want to cure the headache you have and take a break on that ceaseless bad mood of yours for a night…” he doesn’t finish the sentence, but I know exactly what he means. Sergio winks at me and return his attention to the intercom.</p><p>“What’s that, ibuprofen?” I provoke. I’m not too naïve as he thinks. I don’t usually attend too many parties, but I know that this kind of magic bullet is often available. I observe the small pill on the palm of my hand, I am 99% sure that I shouldn’t swallow it. But that 1% is reminding me that we just live once, and I have absolutely no stories to tell so far. I don’t know what I’m feeling more pathetic for: the regret of always being a responsible kid, or the culpability for breaking the rules. </p><p>“That’s a forget-it-all type of ibuprofen. Especially broken hearts! The effect wears off in half a day, tomorrow you’ll be clean. Trust me!” he says, his malicious tone makes it even more suspicious. But the ache in my heart is so strong that I just want anything capable of stopping it. Curing my headache would be an extra benefit.</p><p>Before self-blame makes me chicken out, I throw the pill inside my mouth and swallow it. Oh, it doesn’t taste too bad! I was expecting bitterness, but it’s a bit sweet even.</p><p>After no answer, Sergio hits the intercom again, this time holding the bell for longer noisy seconds. “The music is too loud up there!” he states the obvious. Suddenly, the intercom makes a noise.</p><p>“Yeah?” A husky voice asks. </p><p>“It’s me, Dan!” Sergio answers, as if the person in the other side could see who the ‘me’ actually is. I roll my eyes, maybe accepting to come here was a bad idea. I'm certain that swallowing that pill was a terrible idea. Crap! Remorse takes over me. Pangs of conscience! I’m not that kind of girl. What-have-I-done?</p><p>“Password?” The voice stands firm and Sergio murmurs a few swear words. I guess none of it were the key to enter, cause the door is still locked.</p><p>After taking a deep breath in resignation, Sergio finally says “Babbling, bumbling band of baboons!” and our entrance to the place is instantly allowed. We walk into the hall and he calls the elevator. We enter and silently stand side by side, waiting for the car to take us to the fifth floor. As the doors open, we walk out and head left in the hallway. There are writings on the walls, a few bands posters and even a picture of the President – a little bit modified. The mustache and the devil’s horns that have been added to the pic, to be honest, made him look a little better.</p><p>Sergio looks at me one last time before rhythmically knocking on the door.</p><p>“Code?” we hear the same voice of minutes ago. Without much patience, Sergio turns the doorknob and pushes the door open. “The code is: my ass!” he states, a bit irritated. Behind, there is a very tall boy, laughing nonstop. The two share an intense hug and also exchange two kisses on the cheeks. By the affection showed, I can tell they are really good friends. “Stop with that bullshit of HP passwords, Dan!” Sergio warns while passing his jacket to the boy.</p><p>“You know me. I take my job seriously”.  He retorts, then looks at me. “Mmn, who’s the bewitching dame?”</p><p>“This is Juliana. Juli, this is Daniel” Sergio introduces us, we handshake as a greeting. “She’s my guest of honor, treat her well!” he gives him notice, receiving a soldier salute from Dan as response.</p><p>His hazel eyes are over me, scanning my entire body, but not in a judgmental way. I do the same. He must be at least 5’7” tall, so skinny that he looks like a bag of bones. He has a very intense red-hair, but he’s not naturally born that way. It’s possible to see that he used hair dye to achieve<em> that</em> tone of cherry red. Then I realize that he also dyed his eyebrows, which, by the way, are perfectly cut and shaped. Mine, in contrast, look like a caterpillar.</p><p>“Madam” Daniel offers to take my backpack and store it in a closet along with Sergio’s jacket. Only then I understand that he is the doorman for the night. Though mom taught me to do not trust people I don’t know, I let him stow my belongings. It would be too rude if I said no. Sergio trusts them, and I think I trust Sergio?!? My judgment is already impaired by that forget-it-all type of ibuprofen. I should find a bathroom and throw it up.</p><p>Sergio takes my free hand and pulls me into the apartment, deviating us from the multitude. The place is full capacity crowded. There are different smells in the air: aftershave lotion, sweat, popcorn, alcohol, chilies, and lust! People are loudly talking, joyfully dancing, drinking, smoking, kissing… I see two girls kissing. Oh-my-god! That’s the second time my heart skips a beat tonight. I try not to stare, but it is fairly impossible. I mean, Val and I have kissed so many times… but all in the secrecy of our rooms. Public display of affection? So explicitly like that? Never! It clearly affects me - I just don’t know if because I am worried for them or envious of them.</p><p>The apartment is quite large, and with all these people, it takes us some time to cross it. There are a few people sat on a couch in the back of the living room. A girl is rounded by boys, all interacting in a very joyful manner. I see bottles of beer in their hands and some empty ones on a small coffee table. Now the air is filled by a thick smoke, feels like a mixture of cigarettes and something sweet – I can’t identify what exactly is that smell. But it’s making me feel dizzy. Or is it that damn pill? Craaap!</p><p>The TV is on, but the Lady Gaga video clip doesn’t match the loud beats of electronic music playing in the background. There are people every-where, have I mentioned it already? </p><p>“Nanda, ma queeeeeeen!” Sergio lingers on the vowel for a few seconds. Extra, as only he can be! The girl instantly stands up, opens her arms and offers him the brightest smile. He pecks her lips and then they hold each other in a hug for a long time. It makes me wonder if Sergio is bisexual and not gay as I thought. We never talked about it, not openly.  </p><p>I take another look around. Some boys are dressed in very tight skinny jeans, some are using skirts, eyeliners and bright-colored polish nails. Long hairs - some are natural, some are fake. There’s one with a blond wig and wearing a beautifully elegant red dress, high heels and lipstick. If only my parents knew where I am right now… death sentence to me and all these colorful people!</p><p>My attention returns to Sergio and his friend, now she is keenly staring at me.   </p><p>“Hi, I’m Fernanda Vixen. Nanda, as everyone calls me!” she says, with a ravishing grin on her fleshy lips. She’s wearing a white dress with navy blue butterflies prints all over it. Her eyes have a distinct color of green, like rare emeralds. Her hair is dark, curly, and soft. There isn’t much makeup on her face, which is a contrast to all these over exaggerated painted people. She-is-gorgeous!</p><p>“Nanda is the bday guuurl!” Sergio tells me, wiggling his eyebrows. I don’t understand his innuendo until he looks at my hand. Oh, yeah! Almost forgot about the flowers.</p><p>“Happy birthday!” I hand the small bouquet to Fernanda. She seems flattered, not to say surprised, by my courtesy. She reaches out and drags the flowers to her nose to smell its scent. After a deep draw of air, her smile gets even wider. I see tears forming in her emerald eyes. Doesn’t take too long until she pulls me in for a very tight hug.</p><p>She squeezes my body on hers. Her vanilla perfume pleasantly invades my lungs.</p><p>“You’re so sweet!" She pulls her body back and stares at me again. "Beautiful and polite, just like Sergio described” I timidly smile. Why is Sergio talking about me to people I don’t even know? Fernanda kisses both my cheeks and takes my hand without previous warning. “Come, let’s put these beauties in the water!” Before I can reason, she is taking me away with her. I desperately look at Sergio and he waves goodbye so excitedly that it concerns me.</p><p>Fernanda walks in front of me and I can’t help but notice the way her hips move. The most attractive part of it, is the confidence and the femininity in her walking. Her sensuality makes me swallow hard, Valentina would kill me if she only imagined that I am staring at some other butt that isn’t hers. Then I question myself: would Val really be jealous?</p><p>In our way to the kitchen, Fernanda stops a few times to greet people with words and kisses. She introduces me to every-one. In a matter of minutes, I have met more people here than if compared to my whole life at Cave City.</p><p>She frees my hand only to grab a jar and fill it with water. I help her cut the paper and the strings that once wrapped the bouquet. I also cut some of the extra leaves before placing the flowers into the jar, which actually is an empty bottle of wine. Charming! </p><p>“Are you a gardener?” She jokes to break the awkward silence between us. Her voice is deep and husky, but also tender and mild. I nervously chuckle.</p><p>“No, I’m not. My mom loves gardening, I might have learned a few things from her” I explain, telling her only the superficial. Macario thinks a woman must always keep the house flowered and clean for when her husband come home after a tiring day at work, he can rest in the peacefulness of a joyful environment. Lupe taught me how to be a good wife, and that includes gardening skills. The more I think about my father and his stupid traditions, the more I loathe him.</p><p>I feel my body strangely numb. My mouth is dry, I’m thirsty. Fernanda must have noticed how I tried to swallow some saliva, but there wasn’t much available inside my mouth. She holds my hand again. “Would you like some beer? Wine? Vodka?”</p><p>I shake my head. “No, thanks. I don’t drink!” She laughs. Did I say anything funny?</p><p>“Oh! You serious?” She asks with such disbelief that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I shrug, and I’m sure my cheeks are very red by now. “You’re a rarity, girl! And that’s wonderful” She says while pinching my cheeks.</p><p>“Some water would be nice. Please!” I tell her, not only to don’t seem rude for not accepting her previous offers, but also because I am thirsty af. “It feels like I just ran 15,248 miles across the country, just like Forrest Gump”. I don’t know why I just voiced that random thought. What am I even doing here?</p><p>Fernanda laughs. Her smile is so bright and genuine that it’s almost impossible to do not reciprocate the act. She walks to the fridge, takes a bottle from it and hands me the nicely cold water. </p><p>“Thank you!” Again, she looks at me as if I were some kind of ET. I break our intense stare to observe our surroundings. There's a big cake on the counter by the sink. A white sparkly candle in shape of the number three is on the top of it, amid all the light blue and light pink frosting. I find it funny, because obviously Fernanda isn’t turning three. I’d say she’s twenty-three and maybe the number two candle is missing.</p><p>Some silver balloons and many rainbow flags are also part of the decoration scattered all around the apartment, but in the living room is the main concentration of balloons - glistening twinkling balloons. They even have a disco ball!</p><p>“Sergio told me you are thinking on applying for MU” She asks, more like stating. I shake my head to refocus on her and I vehemently nod. “Have you already defined a major?” Fernanda seems too interested. Is that flirting? But she just met me… is it even possible to like someone that fast? I blush at the thought. Maybe she is just trying to be a good host. Sergio told me they were all nice. I should also be nice. I am nice. What’s happening to me?   </p><p>“Not yet. I’m still deciding” I reply and she hums, as if pondering what to say next. </p><p>“I could take you to the campus tomorrow, for a tour. We can talk about the available courses… if you want to”. Now I am seriously blushed.</p><p>“Sure! I appreciate your kindness. Sergio promised to take me there but I’m not sure if he’ll survive tonight. He already has so much vodka per liter of alveolar air in his body that I seriously doubt that he’ll be conscious ‘til midnight!”  </p><p>Why am I using scientific random thoughts in an informal conversation? She’ll think I am a freak! </p><p>The loud and honest guffaw Fernanda releases makes me relax. I love to make Valentina laugh so freely like that, but we haven’t been making each other laugh for a long time now…</p><p>Things were going too well to be true. And without much resistance, I let a wave of sadness and despair wash over me. I try to disguise my blue state with an unconvincing smile. I feel weak. I feel lost.</p><p>“Sergio is one of a kind!” She says, and we hear his voice resonating from behind us.</p><p>“Yes, I am!” he walks in and throws his arm around Fernanda’s shoulders. “What are two beautiful ladies doing here all alone? The party is at full speed outside, and you should be enjoying it!” he kisses Fernanda’s cheek, and out of a sudden, she is taken by shyness. Her behavior changes around him, it’s evident. He smiles at her, clearly aware of her interest. Now I am sure that she wasn’t flirting with me minutes ago, she’s just too polite and kind. The way they look at each other… I hope I’m not that transparent when I look at Val.</p><p>And out of the blue, “That's my jam! Let’s daaance!” Fernanda excitedly shouts.</p><p>“Yes!” Sergio, as enthusiastic, agrees. I finally succeed on opening the damn water bottle and simply pretend they’re not talking to me. I’m a horrible dancer. I might be a bit high, but I'm not completely out of my mind to embarrass myself in front of all these people. “Come on Juli, let’s shake this butt. Valentina is not here to tame you” Sergio says, and I choke. The water comes out through my nostrils, burning my brain. </p><p>My throat tightens and the oxygen rate is so low in my lungs that I feel like passing out. With a few gentle slaps on my back, Fernanda helps me to regain breath. I dry my running nose with the hem of my shirt. </p><p>“Valentina is not my owner!” I angrily retort, infuriated by his inopportune comment. Okay that I always go to places <em>she</em> likes, and watch <em>her</em> selections of movies, and eat at <em>her</em> favorite restaurants in town. But, it doesn’t mean I am ruled. Does it?</p><p>“I’m sorry to mention her. I didn’t mean to-”</p><p>“It’s ok” I interrupt his unnecessary apologies. I know he’s just trying to be helpful. “She’s not dead, she’s just getting married.” And for the first time, I confess reality out loud. Ouch! It hurts like hell.</p><p>I look down to my feet, but I can feel both of their pitiful stares over me.</p><p>“And what’s the difference?” Fernanda asks. I look up. There is a moment of deliberation and… boom, the three of us burst in laughter. “Come on, let’s shake this sadness off!” She, once again, takes my hand and leads the way.</p><p>Before I can refuse it for the second time, we’re already between a bunch of dancers. Their hips seem to move in a very calculated and precise manner. Some men, like bodybuilders, wave their shoulders and arms accordingly to the rhythm. I shake my head to Fernanda, as if telling her that I’m not on the mood. I’m never on the mood to dance. All this fake sensuality isn’t for me. But she doesn’t give up. Fernanda puts her hands on my hips and moves it side to side. I feel like a square peg in a round hole - completely out of place.</p><p>Fernanda steps back, freeing my body. Her arms and hands are wildly thrown to the air, pulsing along with the beats. I look around and everyone seem so focused on just being happy and living the moment that I feel like a major stupid for thinking that anyone would judge my poor capacity to shake my booty. How can they be so carefree to the point of doing whatever they want? I wonder how that sensation of freedom must feel like.</p><p>Trying not to make a fool of myself, I think on how Valentina dances and I repeat the steps. She always moves slowly, back and forth, side to side. Her shoulders follow the movements of her hips, natural and sexy. I close my eyes and see her dancing for me as she did so many times. Heavenly delicious!</p><p>
  <em>"Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What the fox say?</em>
</p><p>They all sing and scream in unison to the lyrics. What kind of lyrics is that? I find it funny, and a rush of spontaneity gives me courage to keep moving accordingly to the electronic beats.</p><p>I feel a pair of arms on my shoulders, that’s when I open my eyes and realize that it belongs to Fernanda. She dances with more sensuality, pulling me closer. I let her. We start moving with intensity, her perfume is the only thing I can feel in my air system. She places her cheek on my cheek, electric waves spread inside of me. Fernanda is slightly taller than me, but her heels compared to my Converses makes our height difference quite unfair. I look around and no one cares for the fact that two girls are dancing so closely like this. Actually, there are a lot of boys and girls dancing like that – or even more lustfully.</p><p>Unluckily, because of a quick lapse of concentration, I step on her foot. My entire body instantly freezes. She pulls back and dart her eyes between her foot and my eyes. Fernanda bursts in laughter, and I join her.</p><p>“Okay, that’s not the kind of music for you!” She shouts in my ear, and before I can answer, she walks toward the Marshall amp and stops the music. People scream a very loud boohoo; after all, she has taken away their entertainment. “Calm down bunch of baboons!” the crowd laughs. “What’s your favorite song, Juli?” She asks, and in an instant, everyone is looking at me. Needless to say that my heart skips a beat for the third time.</p><p>I clumsily wave at her to dismiss this idea. I ain’t able to produce a tiny sound, I’m too nervous to think or speak - much less to do both. Fernanda doesn’t seem to be a quitter, she lifts both eyebrows and smiles. “Favorite band?” she insists. The silence in the place is deafening. I just want to dig a hole on the floor and hide my face in there forever.</p><p>“Bon Jovi?” I let it out, in a whisper.</p><p>“Are you asking me if that is <em>your</em> favorite band?” She playfully retorts. People laugh again. I want to die. </p><p>“Bon Jovi!” This time, I speak with more confidence. Where did that confidence came from? I have absolutely no idea.</p><p>“Great choice!” She types something on her phone and in a matter of seconds, Livin’ on a Prayer starts playing. The multitude excitedly shouts. Soon enough people are singing along, dancing and jumping. I can breathe again.</p><p>Fernanda walks back to me and we restart dancing. Much lighter now, I enjoy the song with them.</p><p>The playlist has all the band’s greatest successes, including You Give Love a Bad Name, Always, Misunderstood…  but people really go insane - and so do I - with the song It’s my Life.              </p><p>
  <em>This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No silent prayer for the faith-departed</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s my liiiife</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s now or never, cause I ain’t gonna live forever</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just wanna live while I’m alive</em>
</p><p>
  <em>My heart is like an open highway</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like Frankie said, I did it my way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just wanna live while I’m alive</em>
</p><p>
  <em>IT’S MY LIFE</em>
</p><p>And that’s the sensation of freedom! I never felt so damn free in my whole life. Fernanda, Sergio and I sing the lyrics at full lungs, while jumping and frenetically moving. The lyrics seemed to hit people in an especial way. In a way that touches you. In a way that comprehends and speaks for you.      </p><p>The playlist is over and the boys put some hip-hop to play. I respect Minaj and Drake lovers, but nah, not my thing! But well, it was fantastic while it lasted.</p><p>Sergio takes me to an improvised bar and gets a can of Pepsi for me and a beer for himself. He rascally winks at me. Sometimes I miss the shy boy who used coke-bottle glasses, he wasn’t so haughty back then.</p><p>After a while, I wink back. Maybe I should focus in the future, let go the past. After all, nothing will be the same - ever again.</p><p>My eyes once again scan the place and the people. I am absolute sure about some, but not so sure about others. I can’t tell if they are all like… <em>me</em>. Sergio detects the speculation in my eyes.</p><p>“What?” he derisively asks.</p><p>“Everyone in here… mmn, you know… is everyone…?” I don’t need to complete the sentence because he knows what I’m referring to.</p><p>“And does it matter?” he’s sagacious.  </p><p>“No! Of course not” I stammer back.</p><p>I see Fernanda having lots of fun while dancing with a dude that has a blue-Mohican as hairstyle. She isn’t gay. That I’m completely sure of!     </p><p>“Fernanda likes you a lot” I tell Sergio, just to test the waters.</p><p>“And I like her too! But she isn’t my type, if that’s what you’re insinuating” Sergio smirks. He is extremely sagacious. “Is she yours?” he provokes.</p><p>“She’s beautiful. And nice. But no, I don’t think so” I’m being honest. Fernanda is a dreamy-girl, but I already have found the girl of <em>my</em> dreams - that became a nightmare, but not the point.  </p><p>“I get it. She isn’t her” he pushes; I shake my head. No, no one is like Valentina. “I really get it, believe me. Guess we always want the unreachable ones”. He wistfully sighs. I didn’t know Sergio had it bad for someone. I always thought he enjoyed that kissing-everyone-life.  </p><p>“Fernanda isn’t my type, anymore” he emphasizes the <em>anymore</em>. “Maybe she could be when she was Fernando! But we met when she had already started the transition” </p><p>“What?” I ask, blinking a few times. Was she… a boy? WHAT???</p><p>“Don’t be so closed-minded! Fernanda was born a boy, but she is a girl. She’s just becoming who she truly is. That simple!” he tells me.</p><p>Fernanda is transsexual! Wow, that is… amazing! I could never tell… I look at her again, trying to find any masculine trait or characteristic. I find none! Sergio notices what I am doing and speaks again.</p><p>“Her hands. Well, and the penis. It is all that’s left from him. But she’ll do the transition surgery soon, we’re working on that!”</p><p>I nod, my mouth ajar. I’m completely stupefied, I don’t know what to think. It may seem too dumb, but I feel some kind of rage take over me. Fernando has a penis; he could marry any girl he wanted without being crucified for it. But he’ll cut it off. I am girl, who doesn’t have a penis, and for that I can’t marry the girl I love. How crazily unfair that sounds? I never wanted to be a man, I just want to have the right to love who I love.</p><p>“We started an online fund raising for her. She doesn’t know yet, it’s our gift for her. It’s a surprise, so keep it quiet for now”. I nod, yet trapped in my own thoughts. “She still needs about fifteen of the forty grand for the surgery. She has been working three jobs, day and night, to save for the procedure. Even though govern offers hormone therapy and MU psychological assistance, it is still too expense to do the whole thing. But she never gave up, she can’t give up on who she is. No one should! Everyone should have the fundamental right to simply be. Don’t you think?” his words made my eyes water. I feel so ashamed for my selfish thoughts of moments ago.</p><p>Sergio is right. Who am I to judge? No one has the right to judge! We are born that way, and there’s nothing wrong on being different. The medieval thinking and the so called ‘traditional society’ are wrong, not us. We are who we are, we shouldn’t have to try fitting in a world so vast and that belongs to all!    </p><p>And that’s the fourth time my heart skips a beat tonight. When I realize I’m – for the first time ever – referring myself as a LGBTQ+ person, even if it’s only in my head. Labels… I’ve never been a fan of them, but right now it’s seems quite necessary to use it for myself. I’m part of a community, I’m part of something much bigger than my bellybutton.</p><p>The music suddenly stops again, then someone shouts “happy birthdaaaayy to yooou” the lights go off, everyone makes room for the boys caring the large blue and pink cake with the lighted number 3 candle. Now it makes so much sense! Fernanda is completing three years old as who she really is.</p><p>I feel tears rolling down my cheeks, I want to hug her so bad!</p><p>We sing in chorus; Sergio helps Fernanda to stand on top of the coffee table, that way she can see all the people who came to celebrate her new life with her. The birthday song is over, and they start singing Umbrella, by Rihanna. It’s beautiful.</p><p>
  <em>And that's when you need me there</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With you, I'll always share, because</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When the sun shine, we shine together</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Told you I'll be here forever, said I'll always be your friend</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can stand under my umbrella</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh</em>
</p><p>I never paid much attention to this lyric before, but it’s so appropriate for this moment. The strong energy in the place is something I’ve never experienced before.</p><p>After all the chanting and clapping, people hug and kiss Fernanda. I patiently wait for my turn. Once I am in front of her, something changes inside of me. I don’t know what, but something does. She smiles, her radiant eyes tell so many stories. I wish I could hear all of them. Maybe someday. Maybe tomorrow when she takes me to the MU for a campus tour.</p><p>We share a heartfelt hug, and it feels so nice. Homelike.</p><p>"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." I never understood that quote, until now. Mark Twain said that, one of the most important authors of American literature. I discovered him when our English teacher forced us to read 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer' at freshman year of high school. It's a story of a boy that in one of his adventures gets lost inside a cave. Quite ironic for the kids that live in a town called Cave City. I fell in love for his clever sarcasm and social criticism. And for his wisdom. But I never understood what Mark meant with that quote, <em>until now.</em></p><p>I pull back from our embrace to leave a kiss on Fernanda’s cheek. She wants to say something, but I decide to let other people greet her. We’ll have time to talk tomorrow. The party goes on. We eat the cake, I adventure myself on dancing again, and Sergio drinks until completely passing out on the couch. I only realize that is very late when people start leaving.</p><p>Crap, I forgot about calling mom!</p><p>My cellphone has fifteen missed calls, five from Lupe and ten from Valentina. I ignore Val’s calls and texts. I write a message to Lupe saying everything is fine and that I’ll call her in the morning. She instantly replies with a heart emoji and a red angry face. Then, she sends more heart emojis. It makes me laugh. It is not a surprise that mom is still awake two in the dawn. She must have been worried. I feel bad, but she knows I’m responsible and cautious. She doesn’t need to know the fact that I might be a bit high, though. But I am totally sure that Lupe would be very happy if she knew that I just had one of the best nights of my life!    </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Update on next Thursday cause I'm working on C15 of Yes Ma'am. Xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. C6. Such A Simple Thing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>My heart is like paper, yours is like a flame.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <strong> Warning: Description of Violence</strong>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My eyelids feel as heavy as a piano. It takes me more than two minutes to simply convince my brain that I want to wake up. A throbbing vein in my left temple is a clear indication that my headache still ongoing, but much stronger now. After some struggling, I finally succeed on opening my eyes, I’m now staring at a disco ball attached to the ceiling. My body feels numb. I’m conscious, but I can’t move any muscle. I stay still, for how long I don’t know.</p><p>There is a low pitched continuous humming inside my ears. It's similar to an angry bee, or to a ceaseless buzzing like the sound of a cardiac flatline.</p><p>As the seconds pass, I start hearing a distant sound of car engines and a very low… grunting? I want to look around, but my neck is so stiff that I can't move an inch.</p><p>Crap, I never felt so uncomfortable. It's bizarre!                                </p><p>I force my eyes shut again, striving to concentrate in inhaling and exhaling unhurriedly. An image of a fox running in an open field between thousands of gardenias appears in my mind. Am I still dreaming? Did I die? What’s happening?</p><p>Suddenly, I see Valentina. Wearing a beautiful wedding dress and a bright smile on her lips. My pores absorb her natural perfume, my skin detects and reacts to her warmth. Her soft hands touch my face while her long hair dances to the rhythm of a dewy breeze. If I’m dead, I’m in paradise! My girl smirks as she notices that I’m dazedly staring at my favorite perdition: her lips. We simultaneously close the distance. Her nose touches mine, her hot breath pleasantly flares on my skin. “I do”, she whispers looking into my eyes. My entire body trembles at her words; adrenaline kicks in, making my heart race as fast as a F1 car. Her lips advance against mine, and without delay, her tongue is inside my mouth. It feels so real, wait a minute… this is real!</p><p>Briskly, I reopen my eyes and there’s a white and grey giant fur ball licking all my face. Even though yet groggy, disoriented and a bit frantic, I sit up and move away from that wolf as fast as I can. My eyes quickly search for anyone who could save me from that beast. Where am I? How did I get here?</p><p>I didn't even have time to dry my lips when I see the beast moving slowly toward me anew. All I can do is hide myself under the blanket and pray for the best outcome.</p><p>“I’m hallucinating. That’s not real. Not real” I repeat to myself, over and over. “I'm delirious. This is not… aaaaah” I desperately shout as a loud bark resonates too close to my face and two paws abruptly land on my legs, triggering a fight-or-flight reflex I didn’t know my body possessed until that very moment.</p><p>“Lanna! Leave-Juliana-alone” I hear a female voice. Fernanda’s voice. And just like a quick travel in time, memories from the previous night emerge in my head. “Sorry for her bad behavior. Lanna is still a puppy, I’m trying to train her but she’s a rebel dog. Bad doggie!” She rebukes the beast, pulling it away from me. “Are you ok?” Fernanda worryingly checks. Slowly and cautiously, I come out of the blanket shield. My heart beats at full speed. I’m sweating, my hands are cold, and my mouth is dry.</p><p>In silence, I absorb my surroundings. I’m on a couch. Sergio is on the floor, laid on an improvised bed, being spooned by Daniel – both asleep. Or passed out. Fernanda is nearby, yawning. I wonder if my scream woke her up. I move my head to a slight extent to briefly look at the beast in the other extreme of the couch. She's staring at me, with her enormous tongue out as she heavily breaths. Lanna has a blue eye - very blue, like Valentina’s. The other is brown - very brown, like mine.</p><p>Valentina. Gardenias. Foxes. Beast. Fernanda. I feel pretty disoriented right now. </p><p>Fernanda pets the beast, both expectantly looking at me. “Puppy, you said” my voice is croaky, and very low. “So big!” I'm not able to form coherent sentences. The shooting pain in my head is provoking some kind of cerebral paralysis. I’m quite dizzy, in a torpefied state.</p><p>Fernanda lightly laughs in a silly manner. The beast tries to move toward me again but her owner holds her in place. “Lanna is very docile, no need to be afraid”. I try to nod, but the stiffness restrains my movements. “You prefer a cup of coffee or hot cocoa?” She gets up and walks to the kitchen, the beast instantly follows her.</p><p>“Mhm… hot cocoa, please” I reply, doing my best to stand on my feet. I walk like a drunk coming out of a bar after several shots of tequila. The twinging in my temples and the incessant palpitation above my eyes feels awful.</p><p>When I finally get to the kitchen, Fernanda hands me a mug and a pill. Oh no, no more pills for me! She notices my hesitancy, and without losing her kindness, she takes a small box from the cabinet drawer and puts it in front of me.</p><p>“Real medicine. For your headache” Fernanda points at the little blue and silver box on the table, it’s labeled as Dipyrone. I recognize this analgesic. Mom used to give it to me during any event of fever when I was younger. Without further ado, I put the painkiller on my tongue and swallow it with the help of a lukewarm cocoa. Yummy! It tastes goooood. Thirst-quenching, instant relief.</p><p>I search for her eyes and gratefully smile. I feel a bit embarrassed, but she brushes the tension aside by serving me a plate with a freshly made toast, bacon slices, and scrambled eggs.   </p><p>“Eat up. It will help to alleviate the side effects of the drug” She says, bluntly. My face heats up, my cheeks burn. “Don’t worry, I’m not a judger”. Fernanda reinforces her amiability with a candid grin and a wink.</p><p>“How do you know… ‘bout the…” I feel so guilty that I can’t even pronounce the word drug.   </p><p>“Sergio” She flatly replies again. I low my head to avoid eye contact, I’m not brave enough to face Fernanda. “He only told me because I asked. I can easily detect psychoactive induced behaviors. At some point your pupils were so dilated that it was almost possible to see your brain”, that makes me chuckle. Fernanda smiles at me even with her lips glued to the edge of her mug as she sips her hot drink. “And after you took your shirt off and got on the table to dance, I was completely sure that it wasn’t a common way of behaving. At least not for that girl who arrived in my apartment so timid as a rabbit”.</p><p>I immediately look up. I took my shirt off???</p><p>That’s the moment I realize that I’m semi-naked. I’m only wearing a black sports bra and my pants. Holy-crap! What have I done?</p><p>“Relax! I took care of you”. Fernanda remarks in between some giggling. “When you yanked your shirt off, most people had already left. It was only Sergio, Dan, you and I here.”</p><p>I hide my flushed face in between my hands and emit a long, deep, audible breath. Damn it! I don’t remember doing any of that. Have I done anything else? I don’t even need to vocalize the concern dwelling in my mind, Fernanda knows exactly what I’m thinking.</p><p>“Nothing bad happened. I promise. We just talked, a lot”.</p><p>“We?” I ask, yet apprehensive.</p><p>“You and I”. Fernanda clarifies. “You seemed too interested about my sexual condition. It was almost an interrogation”. She states and then offers me with a tight-lipped smile.</p><p>I am an idiot! I made her feel uncomfortable. Why am I such an idiot?</p><p>“I’m sorry!” That’s all I can say in my defense. “You’re the first person I meet who is… mmn… you know”. I justify, trying not to sound too uncomfortable by using the proper terms, but it’s hard.</p><p>“I’m transsexual! Yes, you’re not the first person who doesn’t know how to react after finding out about my ‘condition’.” She used her fingers as quotation marks. “You told me that you found out by Sergio. I gotta say that I am not mad only because I’m not ashamed of who I am, but the contrary. But no one, listen well, no one has the right to ‘out’ you of the closet. That’s something particular. Each person has its own timing.”</p><p>Bashfully, I nod. I feel even worse now. Seems that she’s disappointed for the fact that Sergio, without thinking, revealed her secret. And also, because I found out about it by someone else’s mouth other than hers. “I am really sorry Fernanda”. My frank apologies are in behalf of both Sergio and I.</p><p>“Don’t be! Seriously”. She timidly smiles. “I knew, at first sight, that you’re a nice person, but not everyone is as gentle and respectful as you. That’s why I don’t scatter about my past to the four winds. Some people can have a very negative reaction. It’s hard to know who to trust after a few bad experiences” she says while discreetly folding the short sleeve of her shirt. On the skin of her shoulder, there are two round scars, in the diameter of cigarettes. “I committed the ‘mistake’ of not being honest with a guy in our first date. He wasn’t a gentleman as I thought he were. He got furious for ‘finding out’ about Fernando when a common classmate of ours made a malicious comment in front of his friends. He took me to an alley and well…” her eyes are tearful, and my heart shatters a little more. “Cigarette burns were the least of traumas. The internal damage felt much worse”.</p><p>Without thinking twice, I stand up and walk to her. She promptly accepts my embrace, holding me as tight as I hug her. That was the right thing to do, because I feel Fernanda relaxing in my arms. “He’s an idiot”, I tell her. It isn’t the most articulated thing I could say, and believe me, I wanted to say so many other things, bad things. However, I bit my tongue, cause a hateful speech is not what she needs right now. She just opened herself to me, the least I can do is to be sensitive.</p><p>In an attempt of showing her my indignity and support for what that despicable moron did to her, I kiss her shoulder over the scars. Then, after a few seconds, I feel Fernanda’s lips on my cheek. </p><p>I slightly turn my head to encounter her eyes. Fernanda smiles, easing my emotional strain. “Thank you!” she whispers whilst shedding some tears. With my thumb, I quickly wipe them away - yet unable to utter a single word. I walk back to my chair and we remain silent for a couple of minutes. She unfolds her sleeve. “It’s ok, he’s dating a very ugly woman now!” She jokes, we both laugh quietly.</p><p>Fernanda clears her throat. "It actually was a great talk we had”. She's the one to restart our conversation. “You’re very clever, and like I said, very respectful. No one ever made the questions you did. You’re out of the common, in a smart way. So it was really a satisfaction to explain to you about my transition process… though, I am quite curious to know why you demonstrated so much interest about the process”. She leaves the implied question hanging in the air. She’s also very shrewd.</p><p>“It’s just… you know… I don’t know how to explain”. I really don’t know how to put into words the thousands of thoughts I have burning my neurons. I won’t deny that the idea of a transition may have crossed my mind. It could be the only solution for my problem. If I were a boy, I could marry Valentina without much trouble. Do I sound too crazy?</p><p>“By that afflicted expression you have, I guess you don’t remember much of our talk!”</p><p>“No, I don’t remember. And I'm really sorry that I don’t!” Apologizing to her became my new habit. I really wanted to take a trip down memory lane, but I just can’t. Now I get why Sergio calls it forget-it-all type of ibuprofen. There’s a complete blur after we sang happy birthday.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll repeat what I said: being transgender isn’t a choice. Your body knows who you are, no matter how much you want to say otherwise. And the transition… well, it’s liberating, but at the same time, it’s a suffering that no one would ever wish to the worst of enemies. It’s something one must be completely certain of. The transition is a decision of a lifetime, so for those who aren’t sure about themselves, it can only become a harder way to live”.</p><p>Fernanda speaks looking directly into my eyes. She’s being very clear. I wonder if I told her about my ‘ideas’ last night. I know it may sound stupid, but it’s the only way I can think of to impede that arranged marriage. I never wanted to be a boy, I’m sure of that. But, if there’s a possibility of making a twist in fate, I’d sacrifice myself for love. I know I’ll have to give this a lot of thought, and I will do once I get home. Discussing this new possibility with Valentina, will also be crucial.</p><p>Willing to deviate the course of our talk, I raise other subjects. Fernanda tells me a little more about MU and her career course – psychology. She’s currently at her third year, and still have two others to graduate. With her good grades, she got a full scholarship. She didn’t tell me much about her previous life, but by the way she didn't mention her parents not even once, I assume that she didn’t have much support from her family.</p><p>Fernanda also told me that her main goal is to help LGBTQIA+ people like her. Or better, like us. She wants to found a community center, to provide free psychological assistance and also other services for those in need. I find her so brave and even more beautiful now – in and out!</p><p>She refills her mug with black coffee. I keep on relishing my hot cocoa. The lukewarm liquid making a path down my dry throat feels divine. I barely catch the fork to start eating my scrambled eggs when I sense something… licking my foot. The beast! I readily jump off my chair, just to hear Fernanda boisterously guffawing.</p><p>“Lanna seems to like you a lot! She’s usually not that friendly with people she just met”. Fernanda observes… her smile is so generous and delightful! I catch myself staring for a while, those emeralds are hypnotizing. Her serene personality helps me to calm down a little. I sit back on the chair and the dog instantly stands by my side. Cautiously, I pet her head - her fur is lustrous and soft like silk.</p><p>My legs start fidgeting, in a self-acting up and down movement. “This dog is so big that I first thought she was a wolf” It was supposed to be a private thought, but it slips out my mouth. Fernanda, again, dissolve into laughter.</p><p>“Lanna is a not a wolf. She’s a Vixen, just like me!” she proudly states. I think I get the reference.</p><p>For a minute or two, I consider if I should share my arbitrary knowledge about animals. I don’t want to sound like a weirdo who watches National Geographic to kill time. But if I don’t talk about the random things I read, I probably won’t have any other subject to keep a conversation. So, here it goes: “Did you know that vixen is how the female foxes are called?” I say it while staring at Lanna, who is now resting her chin on my lap.</p><p>“I do know that, because you told me yesterday!” Surprised, I instantly look up and lock my eyes with her bright emeralds.</p><p>“Oh!”</p><p>“Yeah. Oh!” Fernanda playfully echoes my ‘statement’. “I told you. We talked a lot last night, about any and everything. It was great to know you a little more!” I blush. She bites her toast, encouraging me to the same with mine before it gets too cold to eat. She slowly chews, then swallows before speaking again. “You also taught me that foxes can make 40 different sounds, that they’re extremely playful like cats and dogs, and that sometimes they choose their own herd”. She pauses, just to sip some of her coffee. “And I told you that it makes of me a literal vixen, because I also chose my-”</p><p>“own herd” we finish the sentence in unison. I don’t know how, but I remember this. It’s like a vague déjà-vu.</p><p>“Exactly. And you told me that you wanted to be able to choose your family too, because you don’t feel part of yours”. Her tone is softer now, she’s measuring her words. I feel ashamed. As it seems, I told her about my whole life last night. “You don’t need to feel bad because you don’t fit, Juliana. And even though you currently belong to a ‘herd’, nothing restrains you from choosing another family, a group in which you can truly feel part of, protected, and welcomed. I told you yesterday and I'll repeat: my house will be always open for you, and you can be a Vixen too. Lanna already chose you to be part of our herd!”</p><p>My eyes are so full of tears that it’s impossible not to shed. I want to say thanks, but my throat is so damn tight that my vocal chords fail my intentions.</p><p>Fernanda reaches out to hold my hand above the table, tenderly squeezing it. With my free hand, I wipe the tears off my cheeks, and then I resume the caressing on Lanna’s ear.</p><p>“Did I tell you… <em>ahem </em>… about anything else?” Even though lacking courage, I ask.</p><p>“Yes”. Fernanda categorically answers. “You told me how much you love your mother… Lupe, right?” I nod. I have to remind myself to never swallow pills that make me so talkative - ever again. “You also told me about your brothers, and your father” her tension is a clear sign that I didn’t express the same affection for them as I did for my mother.</p><p>“Anyone else?” I anxiously inquire. Fernanda smiles in a silly way. Oh Lord, I did!</p><p>“Mmm, let’s see… you must be referring about a certain Valentina, the most beautiful girl on earth. The pair of blue eyes capable of making you challenge the devil, or jump off a cliff. The eighth wonder of the world…”</p><p>I shut my eyes so forcefully that my face forms as many wrinkles as of a Shar-pei dog.</p><p>“You told me all about the love of your life. You even showed me a few pictures of hers. And I absolutely agree, she’s drop-dead gorgeous!” Fernanda completes, totally amused. Redundant to say that she’s laughing. “But seriously now. Despite the fact that you are trying to ignore her for a while because of all that happened in the past weeks, I think you should call her. And your mother as well!” She advises.</p><p>“Yeah. I’ll call my mother” I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to Valentina, though. “I just have to find my phone, and my shirt…” I scratch the back of my neck, why am I so lost? I’ll kill Sergio for making me believe that a magic pill would help me solve my problems in just half a day. It had the opposite effect! </p><p>Talking about him, the queen of England finally joins us in the kitchen, accompanied by a drowsy Daniel.</p><p>“Morning, beautiful ladies!” Sergio leaves a kiss on Fernanda’s forehead, then does the same with mine. He sits on the chair right next to mine, just to steal one of my slices of bacon. “What an epic party wasn’t it… Juli… where’s your shirt?” he questions, wiggling his eyebrows while darting his eyes between Fernanda and I. His stupid insinuation pisses me off.</p><p>“It’s on the coffee table” getting ahead, Fernanda answers him for me. “Your phone is also there!” She winks, and I smile back in gratitude. She really took care of me last night! I think that means we're friends already.</p><p>Without directing a word to Sergio, I stand up and walk to the living room. I dress myself up before returning mom’s calls. My shoes are nowhere to be seen. What a mess! Looks like a hurricane destroyed the apartment.</p><p>I barely unlock my phone and a heart attack almost takes my life. There are at least twenty missed calls from Valentina. But what scares me the most: the many IG notifications. I almost never post on Instagram, and when I do, I only share landscapes shots or pics of my favorites books.</p><p>As the biggest part of last night isn’t recorded in my brain, I quickly open the app to verify what imbecility I have done now.   </p><p>S-H-I-T!</p><p>Four pictures. FOUR! A hundred and sixteen views – a new record if we consider the nearly seventy followers I have. Or had. That number weirdly increased. How? Craaap!</p><p>   </p><p>@JulsVixen? What the fox? It seems I took Fernanda’s invitation to be part of her ‘herd’ too seriously last night. Now I get why Valentina is so desperate to talk to me. Or to yell at me. I’m semi-naked on those pictures! C-R-A-P!!! What am I going do now? Should I erase it? But I ain’t doing anything wrong… it’s not like I’m about to kiss another person who isn’t her, like she did with Alonso. Grrr, just the thought of it makes me furious. Know what, I’ll keep the pics – the publication only lasts 24 hours anyway.</p><p>Ignoring all the replies I received in those publications, the dozens of Valentina's text messages, and my habitual insecurities, I opt for calling Lupe right away. I need to let mom know I'm safe and sound – well, not so unimpaired as I should be, but I'll eventually get there.</p><hr/><p>After a twenty minutes talk with Lupe, I return to the kitchen to finish my breakfast. Or the rest of it, since Sergio had done me the great favor of devouring half the food in my plate.</p><p>Not willing to start a stupid discussion in front of our kind host, I simply pretend to pay no heed to his lack of boundaries. I could never tell that Sergio would be such a sponger, I rather believe that he just got too comfortable with our friendship and for that he's assuming that our intimacy level has reached the point of being fine to steal each other's food. But the thing is, no one can steal my food! – Ehh, except Valentina.</p><p>We finish breakfast and then help Fernanda to clean and reorganize the apartment. I find one of my shoes out in the balcony, where Lanna sleeps. I have no idea how my Converse ended up on her bed… I didn’t even notice that Fernanda had a dog until this morning! Oh well, there is a new hole making my tennis shoes even more stylish. And by the size of it, I guess Lanna had lots of fun while chewing her new toy.</p><p>It's not until we detach the disco ball from the ceiling that I find the other pair. I’m really intrigued to know why on earth it was launched up there. Better not knowing!</p><p>Once the place is minimally suitable for residential use once again, Fernanda gently allows me to use her bathroom to take a much needed shower. My body is starting to stink, and I desperately want to put on clean clothes.</p><p>Sergio says a temporary goodbye to us because he also needs to go to his place to equally bath and change. He lives at the MU dorms. Daniel and him are roommates, another fact I wasn’t aware of until now.</p><p>Feeling much better, not too dazed as before, and freshened up after an invigorating shower, I wait for Fernanda to get ready so we can walk to MU for the campus tour she promised me.</p><p>The mild breeze and the timid sunrays give sign that we’ll have a pleasant day ahead. Though there aren’t many clouds in the sky, the weather of that Saturday morning isn’t too hot as it usually is in the capital.</p><p>Fernanda and I walk side by side, leisurely. Except when Lanna gets extremely excited at seeing kids or any tiny animal and abruptly pulls her leash to hurry our steps.</p><p>In less than ten minutes, we make it to MU. The campus is amazingly huge. Breathtaking! The main entrance has a wonderfully well-maintained garden, which I had already seen by pictures, but seeing it personally is much more exciting. There are charming red brick tall buildings and walkways always surrounded by lots of trees and flowers, conveying a friendly atmosphere, filled with smiling people – even with classes in a Saturday morning.</p><p>No wonder why Monterey University has recently been ranked in the top ten of most beautiful college campuses in the country.</p><p>Fernanda shows me some of the facilities - classrooms, gym and pool area, sports courts, a very modern theatre, the many coffee shops all around, the dining hall, first aid center, and the place I loved the most: the library. Too predictable?</p><p>My new friend also shows me the Counselling Service Center, where students can get free confidential counselling for personal issues and/or emotional difficulties. That's her favorite place in MU, cause here is where she practices what she learns in the classrooms. She's an intern, and by her excitement, I can tell she loves her major.</p><p>“Professor Camilo! What a nice coincidence to find you here this morning!” Fernanda hugs the middle-aged man, who greets her back with the same enthusiasm. “Let me introduce you two. Juliana, this is Camilo Guerra, the best teacher of all. Professor Camilo, this is my friend Juliana, a very clever young lady who fancies a medical degree!” Fernanda’s high-spiritedness makes it extremely difficult for me to correct her. I do wish I could study a medical major, but it doesn't necessarily mean that where there's a will, there's a way. Life is a bit more complicated than that. At least my life is.</p><p>“Supercalifragilisticexpialidoce!” The man says, and I don’t get absofuckinlutely anything of what he meant. “A curious spirit added up to a bright mind can only result in something magnificent. We need more good people to fight for common good and a less unfair world. It'll be a pleasure to have you on our side Juliana! If Fernanda considers you as a friend, you’re automatically a friend of mine. I trust her judgment, more than I trust my own!” Fernanda laughs after his fond words. I find it adorable how much respect and admiration he demonstrates to have for her.</p><p>“I appreciate your incentives, Sir!” I reply as we shake hands.</p><p>“Oh please, call me Camilo”. I shyly nod in response. “Ladies, I’m about to run late. But I’ll be at classroom 3B, just down the hall. Feel totally welcome to join us for an experimental MBBS class, if you’re on the mood. It was a pleasure meeting you Juliana. I hope to see you around for next semester!” he hugs Fernanda one last time and runs to his classroom.</p><p>“Professor Camilo is fantastic, in all means! He lectures Medical Ethics and Quality Care in all med courses and Neuropsychiatry for Psychology major. He’s one of my mentors at the Counselling Service Center”. She proudly explains. </p><p>I need to push aside the exhilaration that's quickly taking over my body just for imagining myself watching a MBBS class. It stands for Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery, exactly what I always dreamt to study. But I have to keep expectations at a very low level, after all, I know that Macario would never allow me to study this major. Fernanda must have detected my sudden sadness, because she held my hand and beamed.</p><p>“Come on, let’s take a look at the labs!” It’s incredibly astonishing Fernanda's capacity to cheer me up so easily. I’d say I'm almost a lab rat – when I’m not with Val, or in the library, I’m inside a biology laboratory. It’s a peaceful place to read or to nap, cause no one likes to be in a room that stinks like old plastic, alcohol, and iodine. And believe me or not, I strangely like those smells. It's just like other weird people who enjoy the smell of gasoline... let's try not be judgmental, ok?!</p><p>Fernanda shows me every single corner of MU, but as our feet start to hurt for so much walking, we decide to sit and rest in a small and cozy café. Lanna relishes on a nicely cold water while Fernanda and I have some ice cream to ease the heat.  </p><p>“So, what do you think?” She asks, eager to know.</p><p>“This place is incredible. I can tell people really enjoy studying here-”</p><p>“But?” Fernanda interrupts me.</p><p>I sigh, it’s hard to make a decision when I’m not the master of my own sea. “But, I don’t think my parents would support me in my choices”. In <em>any</em> of my choices. </p><p>She nods, “I see”. I look down at my ripped pair of shoes, Lanna is now trying to chew the rest of the rubber that there’s left – and she doesn’t even disguises! “You could apply for a scholarship. The med department offers lots of awards on the basis of academic achievement. I'm sure your GPA is excellent”.  </p><p>“It’s not too bad”. Shrugging, I nonchalantly reply. Actually, I’m the top student of my class, but I don’t like to brag. “Still, I would have to pay for the dorms, and it’s too expensive” I keep on trying to find excuses, and Fernanda insists on arranging solutions.</p><p>“That’s no problem at all! You can live with me. Until you find a job and are able to afford a place on your own. I meant what I told you earlier, you can count on me! On us, right Lanna?” The dog tilts her head at hearing her name. We both chuckle when Lanna barks as if in agreement with Fernanda.</p><p>I don’t know why she’s being so nice to me. But I can’t deny I'm very tempted by her offer. We remain silent for the next minutes, until Fernanda asks for my applications to take a look at it. Though hesitant, I open my backpack and hand it to her. It’s all filled, I just need to make a check in the little square of the chosen major and sign it. She asks the waitress for a pen and as soon as she has it, she passes the papers back to me.</p><p>“What do you have to lose?” She arches a brow and smiles, defying me in a motivational manner. </p><p>In fact, I don’t have anything to lose, because I already lost my everything the night Valentina accepted Alonso’s proposal. Without any more resistance I mark down a V in the box for MBBS course, sign the application, fold and seal it in a white envelope. Fernanda takes me to the register center and we turn it in. It’s done! The worst possible outcome is hearing a no back from them and from Macario. So why not to try?</p><p>Fernanda asks the office employee for the med scholarship guidelines, and in a matter of minutes, I have the list of all required documents in hands.</p><p>“You’ll need a nice letter of recommendation. Do you have any teacher who could help you with that?” Fernanda inquires, her eyes yet focused on the list. I instantly think of Mrs. Navarro, my chemistry teacher. With my head, I make a quick positive sign to her. She smiles. “Great then! The deadlines expiries three weeks from now. You’ll have enough time to gather all necessary documents and apply”.</p><p>“The results for the scholarship awards will be posted online, first week of December!” The secretary intrudes in our talk, Fernanda as gentle as always, thanks the woman for her great help and discreetly pulls me away.</p><p>School will be over in less than two months. There'll be a lot of things to do in such short period of time... but let the dices roll – though I don’t believe much in this ‘fate’ expectancy.         </p><p>My phone rings. It’s Sergio, who finally decided to give us the pleasure of his presence. We meet him in the main entrance, he didn’t even bother to ask how was our campus tour and already threw up his night plans on us.</p><p>“Dan found out that the captain of the football team will give a pool party tonight, are you in?” he asks while rubbing his hands to demonstrate excitement. I roll my eyes. That’s not what I came to Monterey for. And again, I’m not a party type of girl. He knows that, but pretends that doesn’t.</p><p>“I’m out! I work tonight”, Fernanda answers him while inquisitively looking at me.</p><p>“And I’m not really on the mood, Sergio”.</p><p>“You’re never on the mood Juliana! You’re like a grumpy eighty years old woman. Now that you're about to live a college life, you should try to be less systematic and more carefree.” Again, I roll my eyes at him.</p><p>“Just let her be Sergio. Not everyone is a party fanatic like you. There are other things in life to enjoy”, Fernanda defends me.</p><p>“Oh really, like what for example? A boring book and a cup of tea? No thanks! I can do that when I’m no longer young and vigorous. ‘Til then, I’ll drink my ass off and kiss as many people as I can!”</p><p>How pathetic! Why boys take so long to mature up?</p><p>I notice how hurt Fernanda felt for his last comment. She clearly has a crush on him. Poor girl, what a bad choice her heart has made. And that makes me wonder why some people have to suffer so much for an impossible love – me included.</p><p>“Juliana, do you want to come with me for the night? You can make me some company while I work. My shift starts at three and it’ll be over by ten. You’re welcome to sleep in my apartment again, so Sergio can go and enjoy his stupid party at fullest”. She proposes, her soft tone hardly dissimulating her disappointment with Sergio.  </p><p>I don’t even know where she works at, but I’m down for her plan. I don’t need another crazy and blank night in my records. Forget about the no-stories-to-tell regret I previously had.</p><p>“Fine! If you want it that way… I’ll meet you two tomorrow morning, so I'll take you back to your cave!” Sergio sounds quite upset, but I know it will pass. He’s just a spoiled boy that throws a tantrum when contradicted. He kisses me in the cheek and does the same with Fernanda before leaving again.</p><p>“Ready for a nice trip?” Fernanda asks, jokingly. I can’t tell why she’s using of irony to mock me, but I simultaneously blink both my eyes in agreement. I have no fear about where she'll take me, cause I'm sure nothing can’t be worse than another party with Sergio.</p><hr/><p>On the way back to Fernanda’s apartment, I'm the one holding Lanna’s leash. Differently of when we came, now the beast isn’t as energetic as earlier. <em>The beast.</em> I laugh at my crazy figment of imagination. Lanna is too docile, and I could only be high to think she could harm me.     </p><p>Lanna makes me company on the couch while we wait for Fernanda to get ready for work. I use the time to check on my Instagram. Looks like most people who were at the party last night are now following me, and I’m following them back. I don’t even remember most of their faces. But I recognize Daniel and, of course, Fernanda on that list. I also take the opportunity to delete the publications, I don’t even want to imagine what could happen if my father saw those pictures for some random reason.  </p><p>I would finally read Valentina’s fifty text messages, but Fernanda returned to the living room ready to go. She asked me to take the disco ball, now placed in a cardboard box - seems we're going to return it to its owner. She refills Lanna’s water and food pots, locking her outside in the balcony. The dog whines, not very happy for being left behind this time.</p><p>“Don’t cry, Lanna. I’ll see you soon. I will bring Juliana back to you, ok?!” The dog barks so loudly that it takes me aback. Fernanda holds the main door so I can pass with the huge box in my arms. We leave her apartment anew, only to walk a few blocks until arriving at her workplace.</p><p>~ <em>Wanderlust </em>~ The colorful neon signboard shines brightly above a floor to ceiling wooden door. Each letter of the word has a distinct rainbow color. It doesn’t take me too long to realize that it’s a little pub - a LGBTQIA+ pub.</p><p>We enter the place and my mind blows. I mean, when Fernanda asked me if I was ready for 'a nice trip', I would never have guessed that she really meant it. Wanderlust: a strong desire to travel. What a creative way of naming an establishment! And above all, it fits perfectly to the place: there are thousands of different worlds in here. Wow! Know what’s even more sensational? That all this diversity doesn’t collide, but instead, it connects.            </p><p>The environment is modern, fun, welcoming. The wooden floor goes perfectly with the black leather seats in front of the large counter and the red velvet chairs around the many tables scattered all around. The mirrors on the walls and in the ceiling intensifies the muted colors of the bottles and the glitter on the bodies that finds every spark of light.</p><p>My eyes open at the wider as a sharp smell of alcohol wafts towards me. There's also a stagnant stench of cigarettes, but it is mitigated by a mixture of perfumes and body lotions. Hundreds of loud voices compete with the jukebox that is currently playing. Laughter, by times, overpowers the rock music that dominates the atmosphere.</p><p>The crowd is young, I’d say that most of them are MU students.  </p><p>No one is trying to look normal... though, in my personal opinion, 'normal' is relative. It's just that no one is afraid to live reality, there's no need to pretend be someone else other than the true self. It may seem to simple, but it's actually overwhelming.</p><p>“Juliana!” I wake up from a state of trance as Fernanda yells my name. “You can pass the disco ball to Jacobo now” She points toward the man, who is right in front of me and I didn’t even realize it. I completely forgot that I was holding the cardboard box - which isn’t so light to carry, by the way.</p><p>“Thanks Jacobo. We had lots of fun last night. It's such a shame that you and Mateo couldn't show up!” Fernanda talks with the man while skillfully tying up her apron behind her lower back.</p><p>“You know how our Friday nights are busy! But don’t worry, we’ll celebrate this important date with you any day soon. Mateo was devastated because he couldn’t give you a birthday hug”. Jacabo winks, implying something. Fernanda blushes, pretending not to be affected by his comment.</p><p>“Juliana, you can choose any table you want. All drinks are on the house”. She kisses my cheek, “the show starts soon, try to have some fun! If you need me, just call ok?!” I mutely agree, and with a shy tight-lipped smile I thank her. What show?</p><p>I watch her walking away, already cheerfully greeting some other people. I choose a table in the corner of the saloon, I don’t want to use any ‘privileged seat’ for free. Jacabo walks towards me, he has a white piece of cloth on his left shoulder and a small paperboard tray in the hand. He wipes the surface of the table and places the tray filled with peanuts in front of me.</p><p>“Fernanda told me you’re not a fan of alcoholic drinks... Would you like a soda, lemonade, iced tea, water?”</p><p>“Lemonade would be nice, please. And I’ll pay, for everything I consume!” I tell him, but he laughs.</p><p>“Relax kiddo! I’ll ask someone to bring your drink asap”, he winks at me and walks back to the counter. I feel my cheeks burning, I don’t know why I’m feeling so discomposed. It doesn't take a minute until a young woman serves me a giant glass of pink lemonade.</p><p>“Thank you miss!” I show appreciation and she widely smiles in return. I sip the nicely cold lemon juice, the sweet and peculiar tangy flavor makes my mouth water. I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, Valentina is calling me again. I answer the call this time, but the music inside the pub is too loud. I repeat her name a few times, just to do not succeed on hearing her voice on the other side. She cuts the call. Damn it! My girl must be furious at me!</p><p>“So, you must be the famous Juliana?” The husky voice makes me instantly look up. “Mateo Luna. Jacobo’s brother and Fernanda’s best friend!” he stretches out his hand, and before I take it, I clean my sweaty palm on my jeans.</p><p>“Nice to meet you!” I smile, and he fondly reciprocates.</p><p>“She just told me that you’re planning on studying medicine at MU next year. That’s wonderful!” he says with much enthusiasm. I don’t know why people from the capital are so energetic like that. It can be scary at times…</p><p>“I’m not sure. I mean, I want to. But I don’t know yet”, I reply with the characteristic gloominess of Cave City’s citizens.</p><p>“I’m sure things will work out just fine for you!” once again, he grins from ear to ear – showing all his perfectly aligned white teeth. I force a not-so-confident smile in return. Our conversation dies and suddenly we're face to face with a weird silence between us. Luckily, Fernanda is approaching to save me from this awkwardness.</p><p>“Hey handsome, don’t even try your luck. Juliana is out of your league!” She holds his face and slightly turns it so she can leave a loud kiss on the side of his neck. </p><p>“With all due respect Juliana, I couldn’t even try my luck with any other girl than not you Nanda!” he states seriously, but she laughs. It’s too obvious to anyone that Mateo likes her, emotionally speaking. The limbo known as friend zone sucks folks!</p><p>We hear three knocks on a mic, the sound echoes through the speakers attaining people's attention toward the stage.  </p><p><em>"Hello my babieeesss! I’m Chi Chi Afrodille and I’ll be your host tonight. Our odyssey this Saturday is full of talented people! Let’s hear it, loud and proud, for our artists”, </em>people clap, scream, and even jump for excitement. Mateo hugs Fernanda, standing behind her. If I didn’t know her minimally, I’d say they’re dating.<em> “The first performance will be made by Dame Kimora Blac, lip-synching Shakira.”  </em>People shout even louder.<em> “Then we'll have Bo'nina Shinatra lip-synching Whitney Houston, Shuga 'n Spy-sea interpreting our queen Madonna” </em>Needless to say that the crowd went crazy, right?<em> “And the last singing performers of the night will use of their own blessed beautiful voices to entertain us. We'll have Phi Phi Luthor, Paolla Vittar, and our main star: The Vixen!!!” </em>In unison to all other euphoric voices resonating loudly inside the bar, Fernanda and Mateo also cheered for the latter name.</p><p>“The Vixen?” I unintentionally ask out loud.</p><p>“Yes. The first vixen of our herd!” Fernanda answers me with a broad exhilarated proud smile. I could try on guessing what kind of relation Fernanda has with the first vixen, if – and only if – I wasn’t too emotional by the way she said <em>our herd</em>. Including me. </p><p>The show starts and Fernanda has to go back to her tasks. Mateo also walks to the counter to help his brother with the high demand for drinks. The place is no doubt a huge success.        </p><p>I sit alone, watching all the performances in awe. All the drag queens are so good and mesmerizing, that I don’t even notice time passing by. It feels like a blink of an eye when the last performer takes the stage. </p><p>Oh wow! She’s marvelous!!! I’m sure my chin is hitting the floor. She’s using a spectacular glittering silver dress. It has elegant halter straps, outlining her collarbone and protruding breasts. Her blond hair is curly and large, her makeup is impeccably done. Not to mention her angelical timbre of voice. It's husky, but at the same time, high pitched. Despite the strain, she has ease in the 4th octave that only a tenor can have. Reminds me of Sam Smith. The song chosen by The Vixen is Rolling in the Deep, by Adele.</p><p>A standing ovation isn’t enough to express our admiration. The crowd is completely delighted by her performance. I help to make as much noise as I can, by whistling and shouting bravo a few times. Fernanda jumps on the stage and hugs her… what are they? I don’t know, but by the much affection displayed, I’m sure they really love each other. Unconditionally and faithfully.</p><p>The clock hits ten and Fernanda’s shift is over. I couldn’t meet the prime Vixen because she has to perform somewhere else tonight and can’t be late. What a shame! But I hope we have another opportunity to talk, so I can express to her a little of my admiration. We said goodbye to the Luna brothers, who didn’t let me pay for my bill, even though I insisted tirelessly.</p><p>I don’t even know how many times I thanked Fernanda when we arrived at her apartment, but I'm sure it wasn't enough. That was, without a shade of doubt, the best ‘trip’ of my short existence in this planet. And I didn’t need to drug myself neither get drunk to live the best experience of my life until here. </p><p>When my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes, I feel my body and soul life-size, and so, I fit in this world. For the first time ever, I belong.</p><hr/><p>I again wake up with Lanna licking my face. But this time, instead of freaking out, I laugh at her extra wet way of showing affection. It doesn't take long until Fernanda gets up. We have breakfast together. The interaction between us is even lighter and easier now.</p><p>Sergio arrives at her place around ten thirty, the black circles around his eyes only confirms that he had another insane night. I just hope that his hangover isn’t too bad to the point of impairing his capacity to drive. I need to get home before evening, or mom will kill me. </p><p>After a cup of dark coffee to help Sergio fully wake up, we leave Monterey – Sergio driving, Fernanda by his side, Lanna and I in the back seat. I don’t want to create illusory expectations, but I really wish that next year I can come back as a MU student.</p><p>Shortly, we hit the interstate. Singing along to the songs playing on the radio helps time to pass faster than if compared to when we came to Monterey last Friday. Maybe, the lighter mood I’m feeling now also helps a little. But my tension returns to its usual level once Sergio parks his car in front of my house. </p><p>I don’t see any car in our garage, which means that neither Macario or Alonso are home. Phew! One less thing to worry for now.</p><p>I open the door and get out of the car. I take my backpack and leave a kiss on Lanna’s snout. I shut the door before she can try to escape. Sergio hugs me, and I thank him for his blessed intervention. I know he is not perfect, but no one is. And besides all, if it weren’t for him, I'd probably still be inside my room crying, desolated. He frees me so Fernanda can also say goodbye.</p><p>“Don’t forget to send your scholarship applications in time. Ok?”</p><p>“Okay! I will” I reply, our bodies yet connected in a warm embrace. She pulls back to look at me in the eyes.</p><p>“Promise?” her tone is absolutely serious.</p><p>“I promise!” I smile and she winks at me.</p><p>“Alright. Call me!” She yells as she enters in the car.</p><p>I wave a last goodbye and they take off. I'm just about to turn around to enter my house when I see Valentina across the street. Pouting. Her arms crossed in front of her chest. She starts swiping her tongue over her teeth and inner cheek. Oh-oh! I’m in trouble.</p><p>She slowly moves toward me, I feel my heart beating strong in my ears, but I try to disguise my fear. Valentina stands in front of me. I don’t dare to say a word. Her blue eyes are tearful. She has a tired physiognomy, sad even. She doesn’t seem happy - at all - for seeing me after so many days. Remorse knocks.</p><p>I want to drop myself on my knees and beg for forgiveness – for what exactly, I don’t know.</p><p>Time stand stills, I’m not sure for how long. Her fierce stare burns my skin, she’s furious. But I also detect disappointment amid the intense blue, and that almost kills me.</p><p>She opens her mouth to finally say something but we hear the front door opening.</p><p>“Juli! You’re home” Lupe shouts, and I thank heavens for that god-sent interruption. I turn around and start walking toward my mother, I can feel Valentina close on my heels. “How was the trip?” She asks while inspecting my face. </p><p>“It was very productive mom” I opt for the short version of this unforgettable weekend.</p><p>“Puff, productive” I hear Valentina sarcastically repeating my words behind my back.</p><p>“Vale! It’s great to see you and Juliana together again”. Mom hugs Valentina and I use of this small distraction to quickly get inside the house. I am almost running. What a coward!</p><p>The two follow me inside. I want to get to my room asap, please.</p><p>“Would you two like something to drink?” Mom offers, more to Valentina than to me.</p><p>“I’m fine Mrs. Valdes, thank you!” She replies, her voice is trembling. She is about to cry.</p><p>“I’ll take a shower, mom” I smile at Lupe, she holds my face and kisses my forehead.</p><p>“Oh yeah, you need an urgent shower!” She playfully states, waving in front of her nose to imply that I am stinky. “Vale, do you want to make me some company while Juli can wash herself?”</p><p>The tension is so thick between us that it is almost possible to see it. Valentina swallows hard, trying to come up with an answer. I find myself in the obligation to help her.</p><p>“You two could talk about wedding dresses while you wait! Maybe Alonso will get home in the meanwhile and he can join you on the wedding prep”. My voice is harsher than I intended it to be. Actually, I didn’t even think before I spoke. Crap! I just dug my own grave. </p><p>“I need to talk to Juliana, Mrs. Valdes. If you don’t mind, I can wait for her inside her room!” Valentina doesn’t even look at me, because if she does, I know she’ll crumble. I shouldn’t have said that!</p><p>“Of course, girls. You must be missing each other! Go ahead and catch up” Lupe isn’t naïve, she knows that there’s something really wrong between Valentina and I.</p><p>I lead the way upstairs, only the sound of our erratic breathing and of our feet against the wooden steps can be heard. </p><p>My hand barely releases the doorknob when I feel Valentina taking my arm and hushing me inside. She shuts and locks the door, pushing me against it. Her lips attack mine, with urgency, anger, longing, possessiveness. She’s never been so rough. My eyes open wide in shock, but I accept her kiss. I missed her lips. I missed her. Her hands grip each side of my neck, her fingers forcefully interlock within my hair. I groan for pain, for pleasure. Her tongue invades my mouth, I think she wants to suffocate me. I don’t care, I let her. I firmly press her butt, pushing her sex against mine. Valentina moans in my lips, making me crazy.</p><p>Out of the blue, she pushes my shoulders and interrupts the kiss. I don’t even have time to recompose myself and open my eyes, when I feel her palm against my cheek. Ouch!</p><p>“Where the hell have you been?” She yells, her pupils are so dilated as of a predator smelling blood in the air, ready to kill. I’ve no doubt about that! We're both panting, struggling for oxygen and courage.    </p><p>“I’ve be-”</p><p>“Monterey, I know!” she interrupts me. If she knew, why ask then? “With whom?” Valentina is upset, that was expected.</p><p>“Sergio” I bluntly reply.</p><p>“And who’s that bitch that was telling you to call her?” She’s jealous, I'm thrilled.</p><p>“She's not a bitch. She's a friend” I nonchalantly reply while taking my backpack from the floor to walk toward my bed. I start separating my dirty clothes, I’ll have to do laundry today. Oh maaan!</p><p>“A friend? That’s all you have to say?” Valentina insists, she is pissed off, and I’m enjoying every minute of it.       </p><p>“That’s all” I retort without looking at her.</p><p>Without previous notice, she takes my arm and makes me turn around to look at her.</p><p>“Stop it, Valentina! Cut it off, ok? I went to Monterey for a couple days, it’s not like you have missed me that much. Or do I have to remind you that we haven’t talked for two entire weeks?!” I burst too, I’m only human.</p><p>“We haven’t talked for twenty-five days, Juliana. But who is counting?” Apparently, you Val. “Are you already done punishing me?” She asks, her voice fading.</p><p>“Punishing you? Come again! Punishing you? Oh, shut up” Now I’m mad. Like, really mad. No one has suffered more than me since this arranged marriage bullshit started. “You’re getting married, to my brother. Or have you already forgotten that?”</p><p>She steps away from me, passing her fingers through her hair. We stay silent for a while, waiting for the other’s next movement or offence. Val takes a deep breath and asks me again:</p><p>“Where have you been?”</p><p>“Listen Val, I’m sorry ok? I went to Monterey for the weekend, I needed this time out. I needed fresh air to help me think, I was going mad inside this bedroom”. </p><p>“And couldn’t you just answer one of my fucking calls, or simply text me back, Juliana?”</p><p>“I answered your call yesterday, but there was too much noise inside the bar. I couldn’t hear you”</p><p>“A bar? Are you frequenting bars now?” her voice has so much frustration that I want to slap myself for my big mouth.</p><p>“I went there with Fernanda, the girl you saw hugging me outside. She works in the pub. We are friends, nothing else”.</p><p>“Strange, I never met her before”, again, Valentina crosses her arms in front of her chest. Her pouting has serious power over me. It's hard to even focus on our arguing. “And those pictures, were your friend with you when you took it?” Now she’s tapping her foot. I want to jump on her and make love until all her jealousy and anger is drained from her body.</p><p>“It was her birthday party. So yeah, Fernanda was there”. I state, simply. She nods.</p><p>“Moved on too quickly, didn’t you? You couldn’t just have warned me that we were over before I found out by an Instagram post?”</p><p>Those words break me in million.</p><p>“Val, we’re not over… not…” I’d say not <em>yet</em>, but I couldn’t. “You’re getting married, what could you expect? I can’t be inside my cave, crying over my pathetic life forever. I love you, and that will never change, we swore that to each other, remember?” Tears drop from her eyes, I step closer to her. “I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that. Nothing happened that night, I just had some fun, like you advised me to do so many times. And above all, I thought that some time alone would do good to us, to cope with all this painful madness”</p><p>“I’m… no better…. without you” She declares, sobbing. “That was… not… the plan. We… supposed to… be there for each… other. No matter what!” She barely finishes her sentence and promptly hides her face in my neck, intensely crying.</p><p>I softly brush her hair, holding her tight in my warmth to calm her down.</p><p>“Amor, look at me”. It’s hard to breath, my chest is so tight that my heart is begging for space. “I love you”. I don’t have knowledge of a more powerful declaration than that, so that’s what I whisper in her ear over and over, until I can take all doubts from her.</p><p>“I… love… you… twice… as… much!” she stammers, yet in tears. After a minute or two, she pulls back and wipes her face. “I was worried. I feared you would never come back”</p><p>I chuckle. “I could never let my most precious baby behind…” I pause to smile at her, and she does the same “… my collection of books!” I teasingly complete my line of thought and Valentina softly slaps my shoulder. I pull her back into my arms, this time we kiss slowly but not less passionately.</p><p>“We need to talk, though” I say when we pull for air.    </p><p>“I thought we just did” she mocks.</p><p>“No, we only yelled at each other. Now, we need to talk” I sit on the bed, taking her with me. Val straddles me, I look straight in her eyes. “If I were a man, would you still love me?” I let it out without any ceremony.</p><p>Valentina chuckles, thinking it’s some kind of joke. I feel her tensing in my arms as she realizes I’m being utterly serious.</p><p>“What kind of stupid question is that?” She holds my face with both hands, I shake my head.</p><p>“There is a transition process. I don’t know how I never thought about it before. It’s perfect, we could get married and-”</p><p>“Stop it! Right now!” She interrupts me. “I don’t know who's putting this insanity in your head, but stop it. No way you’ll do a surgery to change your sex, are you mad?”</p><p>“Val, listen. I know it may sound a bit radical, but it could be the solution for our problems. You wouldn’t have to marry my brother, because I'd ask your father for your hand – as a man. Isn’t it the main criteria that Leon uses?”</p><p>She stands up, giving me her back. “I would never ask you to do such thing. If you want to pass through a transition, be it because you feel like it. Are you a transgender?” Valentina turns around to once again stare at me. </p><p>“No. I mean, I don't think so. I never felt like or wanted to be a man. But-”</p><p>“So, there isn’t any if nor but. I love you the exact way you’re. I’d never ask you to change a single thing about your personality, much less of your body. This is stupid, and we will never discuss this again. Do you understand?” her index finger is so close to my face that it is scarier than her enraged tone of voice. “Juliana, answer me”. She insists.</p><p>“Yes, Val”. I reply, defeated. “I just wanted to find a solution. But looks like I’m the only one trying to come up with something. It seems to me that you’re pretty eager to comply with our fathers wishes”.  I know I shouldn’t have said that, but I did.</p><p>“You’re pretty stupid for someone so smart like you!” Valentina shouts, and we are back to the battle field.</p><p>"Then tell me what your heart wants. It's such a simple thing!" I yell back.</p><p>"No, it's not!" She bites her bottom lip and shuts her eyes to contain the anger. “Punish me. Blame me. Do whatever that can make you feel better, I can take it. I rather have you alive hating me than…” She stops herself.</p><p>“Than what, Valentina?” I stand up and face her. “Again this weird talk about protecting me… what is it?” I see in her eyes that she’s hiding something from me. She tries to deviate her stare but I hold her face to prevent it. “What are you not telling me? Is there someone blackmailing you?” Eureka! She tries to free from my hold, but again, I don’t let her. “Who’s blackmailing you Valentina? And why? Tell me!”</p><p>“Stop it!” Valentina pushes my body away and hugs herself. “If you want to make your life in Monterey, go ahead. You’re free to do whatever you want, and to… be with whoever you want” The last words were spoken so low that I barely could hear. But I did. She’s not doing that, not again!</p><p>Valentina opens the door and tries to run away, as she does every time I put her against the wall. But, no, not today. I reach and stop her in the corridor.</p><p>“Val, tell me what’s happening!” I’m determined to discovery why she has been acting so mysteriously lately. “Who is it? My father?” She shakes her head. “Your father?” Nothing. “Any of our mothers?” Nada, again. “Alonso?” her scared eyes encounter mine.</p><p>“STOP-IT! I already told you that everything is fine. Try to live a happy life-”</p><p>I don’t let her finish. “What is Alonso doing to you?” If before I was determined, now I’m hell-bent on finding out what’s afflicting my girl.</p><p>“Juliana, enough!” She whispers, looking over my shoulder. “he can… someone can hear it! Let me go” She frees from my hold and runs. I hear the front door shutting. My blood is boiling.</p><p>I walk to his room and kick his door open. I don’t care about good manners right now. Alonso is not home yet. I open his closet drawers and start a search. There are car magazines, his collection of Marvel comics, a diary. I didn’t know he kept a diary! I’m about to open it when he storms inside the room and yanks the small notebook from my hands.</p><p>“What you doing inside my room? Are you fucking insane to go through my things?” he pushes me so forcefully that my back hits the wall. He's in his basketball uniforms, but it is so clean that I doubt he even touched the ball. “Get out before I tell my father about your ‘school trip’. You know what will happen to you if he finds out that you're posting pictures, shirtless, like a prostitute!” he yells.</p><p>"Is that what you do with Valentina?" he looks at me confused. “Are you threatening her too? With what? Why are you doing this?" I aggressively ask, my face inches from his.</p><p>“What did she tell you?” Alonso retorts with another question. He’s angry, but also worried – afraid even.                                         </p><p>“Answer me, Alonso!” I shout, I’m about to lose my shit.</p><p>“Or what? What will you do if I don't answer?” Oh, he shouldn’t have…</p><p>Without much control over my actions, I punch him in the face. It doesn’t take a second until he’s striking back. And of course, he’s much stronger than me. His closed fist hits my nose making me instantly fall to ground. I’m dizzier than when I swallowed that forget-it-all type of ibuprofen. I see the ceiling spinning, I feel something cold on my lips and running down my chin and neck.</p><p>Suddenly, there’s a heavy force pinning me to the floor, and I'm sure it's not just gravity. “Let me find you inside my room poking your nose into my personal things again, just let me!” he mutters, his closed hand very near my face, his saliva dripping on my skin.</p><p>“I won’t let you marry her! You don’t deserve her” I try to speak loud and clear, but it comes out as a murmur.</p><p>“You think you can play the rebel and do whatever you want with your life while Alejandro and I have to live miserably to make our father happy? Do you think you’re special? You’re not! I’ll marry Valentina, because if Alejandro couldn’t and I can’t be happy with the person I love, neither can you!” he stands up. I see him rubbing his hands on his face. I never seen him so enraged. I actually never seen him expressing any kind of emotion before.</p><p>What does he mean by all this?</p><p>I try to stand on my feet. I stagger like a drunk. “You lay a finger on Valentina and I’ll kill you! Do you hear me?”</p><p>Alonso ironically laughs, turning around to look at me.</p><p>“You’re pathetic, Juliana! I really feel sorry for you. Do you think a girl as pretty as Valentina would really forsake the comfortable life she lives to run away with you? People would gossip about her and her family forever for being a disgusting lesbian, and she would never be able to step in Cave City ever again - the place she grew up in, the only world she knows of. Do you really think she loves you to the point of giving up everything just to be with a nobody like you? Stop being so pathetic!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I beg your pardon for my 24h delay, but I had some personal matters to deal and didn't have much free time yesterday. See you all next week! Xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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